Somehow I broke my blog. My fanatical obsession with never closing browser tabs have saved me. I think. See, I broke my blog and I have yet been able to log in at my desktop computer.

We come now to my obsessive browser tabs. I never close tabs. Something becomes enchanted in my head and I just need to read up and learn everything I can about said topic. So I can’t close these tabs unless I have set up some folder in my bookmarks where I can safely save these tabs. There are times that I feel I may still need them open to use them. Maybe I will come to read these pages at a later date. Maybe, in the case of right now, I’m in the middle of writing, editing or reading. Cue my bookmarks. Which by the way is remarkably organized. Also cue my folder of sites and pages I have saved just in case years down the road I just happen to decide to read them. Which by the way this folder(s) is not remarkably organized.

Coming around to my desktop computer… I had launched WordPress. My love/hate relationship with this writing vessel is always being tested. I just like it to simply work, as if I were to open a text editor and start typing. Maybe one day I will see this simplicity with WordPress. Tonight is not one of those days. I launched, password fail. Launch again, password fail. Check LastPass, password fail. Reset password. Not receiving the reset password email in my inbox.

Yes, I do know what is going on. Wholly this is my fault as I was playing around earlier with creating different databases on my site. Friends, do not play around with your own site. Create a dummy server like I didn’t. When creating these databases, being very careful that I did not touch my actual WordPress database, I did save one. When I did so I found that LastPass saved my database information. Nice. Wait, is that the same path as my WordPress database login? Not so nice. LastPass wouldn’t do that. Would they? Maybe I wasn’t being too careful after all. Hmm, no worries. I will deal with that when it  comes. How much trouble can it cause me?

Cue my iPad, to which I have a tab open showing my post (below this) that I have already started working on. Good. Good. Now we will go change the password to what I have it as on my LastPass and save that. It worked! Nice. Go back to my desktop and the WordPress login page is now not working. That’s ok folks. We will just continue my post here, on my iPad.

I was going to make a new post and just have the old one, (on the bottom), on the back burner and post it later. Although the timing of this said post will be completely off and honestly, I will never post it. So we are now in the future of that post, which is now the present.

The start of this year has been a doozy. Thing is with this doozy is that I can usually dissociate from it. Normally without will or trying. One second I am here and the next I’m watching myself from across the room. I am told by my therapist that this is my brain’s coping mechanism. The tricky part is that I can’t exactly control it. Sometimes I can start to feel it coming on or it has happened and I can quickly ground myself. Some situations don’t need me to be completely present. Social situations. In a crowd. Dissociate until I can safely feel that I can come back.

Sometimes life throws doozies where I feel that I need to hide and I keep hiding cause I can’t handle life at the moment.

Staying in that hiding spot does come with a price. It makes it much harder to come back. I want to come back. Yes, that little bubble we are all in where our head likes to keep us. Where our head likes to trick us into thinking that it’s in the right frame of mind. Where our head wants us to believe all the crap it keeps telling us. Even if we can rationally say that it isn’t true. When we hide it becomes harder to believe what is real and what is not. Especially when the not part is coming from our head.

One would like to think that our head is nice to us when it really isn’t. We are our harshest critic and worst enemy. Our head is also that abusive ex that keeps saying nice things after he’s thrown you across the room. We come to our senses and say said throwing will never happen again. Then it does. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The life doozies make us vulnerable and then we are right back to where we said we don’t want to be and where we said we will never come back to.

Being like this, I feel lost. I have a hard time believing others. My head and them fight a lot when it comes to trying to have me understand what is going on. Somehow trying to distract and ignore my head doesn’t do any good and seemingly makes it worse.

How do I stop going back to that place in my head? Sometimes I think my medications aren’t working well. Changing medications and trying new ones scare me so much. Medications change the chemicals in your head. They change your moods and the way you think and process situations. It takes the control away from you and puts in into their hands. My worst fear is not having control over myself. Even when being abused in the past, as long as I can say that I know what is going on, my brain tricks me into thinking that it is under my control and not anyone else’s control. Medication takes that control from me. Maybe? Maybe it helps me?

I will finish a bit of my old post later. That’s the writing under this… make me accountable to finish it please. Posting should help me actually finish things.

(The rest is from a few weeks prior)

Let me just start by saying the internet here at the college is bad today. Is it the snow? Not sure. Carrying on…

I have been studying psychology for the most part of my life as a hobby. It will only ever be a hobby for the amount of reading and researching involved is just crazy. Thus with this hobby, my family and I are my favorite subjects. Not to be overly selfish, but my latest subject has been me.

Just having PTSD. Which is like a war within yourself that never goes away. Does not mean that I am able to recognize all triggers and symptoms that I’m having at a given time. The difference between knowledge and experience is that with experience, you are actually at the moment experiencing things that you cannot always control. Knowledge says I know this,

My girls and I received a Christmas card from my mom. Yes, my very first Christmas card from my mom! If that sounds weird, read on. My dad is the one who used to do Christmas cards and writing and keeping in touch with everyone. Once he passed, one would wonder…

Ok, so we got a card. I called my girls over and presented them with said Christmas paraphernalia. They both looked at me like I suddenly grew two heads. Alexis very sarcastically masked her confusion and dismay. I could tell she was very curious nonetheless. Once upon a time Alexis was a grandma’s girl. It was grandma this, and grandma that. Her world revolved around grandma. So for when grandma quit talking to them it crushed her. She put a barrier up to protect herself from grandma (and others but that is another story) and put grandma into the dark depths of her mind. She took this card suspiciously with a grain of salt.

Karissa, on the other hand, is the more trusting one. The one that likes peace and tries to see the best in others. Even when they certainly don’t deserve so. Her sister was so loud with this card thing that I had to look at Karissa’s reaction since it was not a verbal reaction. She was surprised. Maybe even a little hopeful, but cautious.

What surprised them booth was that it included a check. I was a bit suspicious because not many people would send money after not talking for 6 years. Especially the amount. Both girls have not even spent the money yet. I would almost be afraid to spend it. I know I was told not to look at this negatively. Though calling my past with my mom, it is hard not to. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Her past behavior is not great….