I’ve got 99 problems and 98 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.

Hath anyone tried to write and listen to a YouTube video at the same time? It’s kind of hard to do. We are not a multitasking species.

I like watching painting and planner videos. Someday I will get back into drawing and painting. Someday. I have my bullet journal for journaling and kind of planning. See, I need to use a digital calendar and a digital todo list. I don’t always remember to take my bullet journal with me so I can’t use that for appointments. I’m also terrible at writing things down or I shall either write it down and not remember where I wrote it. My phone is my calendar and todo list. I always have my phone. I may not always look at it, but I always have it with me.

So, why do I have a bullet journal? Because (yes, I’m starting this sentence with a conjunction. It’s ok, we will just deal with this dependent clause) I love planners. I used to have a lot of notebooks and planners that I would write and draw in. Wherein I was younger, this whole chaos of notebooks and planners didn’t bother me. I was fine with lugging around a few notebooks and using one notebook for drawing, another for writing a journal, another for writing random things, another for actual school notes. Thou get the picture. As I got older, this has gotten harder. And (it is ok to start a sentence with this conjunction. Really.) technology befell. I tried to keep my planning old school by using a pen and paper. It didn’t work as I got busier and kids and more stuff I needed to remember and kids and more appointments and kids. Have I mentioned those reprobated kids? The bullet journal is my way of staying old school. And journaling. And kind of having a todo list of my day. And drawing. And whatever pops up into my mind. All rolled into one. I have even started writing a bit about the books that I have read. Not sure how this is going to play out since I like reading and I can easily go through too many notebooks. Haply that shall have to be digital also? I do have the whatever-pops-up-into-my-mind-notes in Evernote as well. Sometimes thee lack a pen and paper with you. But I have my phone!

I have been so anxious lately. Anxiety is like perpetually hearing the boss music yet never seeing the threat. Talking about anxiety grants me anxiety.

Music break…

Dancing on the wind, up and down again
Round and round the bend
Fa la la la la la
From a flow’ry bed to the clouds ascend
Tumble down again
Fa la la la la la
Yet with each descent do we rise again
To our hearts’ content
Fa la la la la la
Fly away my friend for a day and then
We’ll begin again
Fa la la la la la

One of my favorite boss songs in Final Fantasy xiv. Now I’m listening to coding music.

Last Tuesday I had my hematology appointment. It has been a long seven months. Last January my doctor had me forbear taking my iron medication so she can see if my iron fluctuates. I was to have my blood drawn in March and another in June during my appointment. Well, COVID happened and I couldn’t get my blood drawn in March. Then in April, my doctor moved to another hospital. My appointment was pushed back to July. I was a bit nervous about getting back on iron and the front lady quoth they will take my blood at my appointment. The normal range for iron in the blood is 12 to 15. Mine goes from 8 to 11. When my new doctor came into the room, his first words were, “Did you know that you are anemic?” /sigh Yes. Yes, I know.

So these past seven months have been, well, tiring to just say the least. I’m hoping to gain more energy anon with my iron prescription. I’m not sure if it has contributed to my anxiety. My therapist says it can contribute to my mood fluctuations. My mood medication dosage has been changed also. I’m hoping for the best.

Though, back to Tuesday. I’m not usually out alone. I mean, being out alone here in my town to go to the store or something local, I can do it. I’m usually only out for a short while and I’m close to home. This town is bawbling and of course, has a small population. Walmart always looks dead. Kel drove into the city since I was dropping her off at work and then heading to my appointment. The instant I sat in the driver’s seat in my car I started panicking. I set up the GPS and headed to the doctor. I semi-freaked when I got to the Big I and the freeway interchanges to another freeway and I didn’t know what to do. I decided to keep towards the freeway I was on cause the GPS wasn’t telling me to do anything otherwise. Yes, I already knew how to get to the doctor’s office and if I did go onto the other freeway it would have been fine. Just really annoying. I was only 10 minutes away from where Kel works to the doctor’s office. I got to the hospital, parked my car, and then wanted to cry cause I just didn’t want to get out of my car and face people. I was shaking, sweating and short of breath. I did manage to get inside and to where I needed to go. Talking to the lady at the front was like speaking another language for me. I think I just managed to say my name and handed her my insurance card. Getting my blood drawn was difficult. Not the actual blood drawing, which went smoothly. But the talking that I had to do, which came out in stutters. My appointment went well. I tried my best to breathe and talk. The mask, which I was able to take off in the doctor’s office, was not bothering me the least.

My plan after my appointment…since I had two hours to spare before picking Kel up from work…was to go to the cafeteria and have a snack and a Coke and read. The doors to the hallway that leads to the cafeteria were closed. On another day where I wasn’t freaking out over having to say the word, hello… I would have been fine to ask the person at the front who was taking everyone’s temp if I could go to the cafeteria. But no, I was too frightened to ask. I couldn’t talk well, let alone trying to walk and stay calm without looking like a drunk person. So I left and went to my car and drove to Kel’s work. I took the frontage road; to where I quickly realized that the freeway was a much easier route. There was a table in the shade outside Kel’s work and I sat there for two hours and read. The heat was ok, I was comfy. I had my water. Just wish I had food. Again, on any other day, it would not have been a problem to get into my car and find food.

I have been staying off social media and the media lately. The internet. I’ve been staying off the internet. Trying to keep my moods and anxiety in check. Something I read earlier this week, “It takes years for average people to see what an abuse survivor can see in 2 seconds.” I really do believe that. Especially from what I’ve been seeing on the internet. I can get more into that later if anyone wants. Right now, just talking about my anxiety has been a bit exhausting.

Note: I really need to write something about myself in that ‘about’ space by my picture. lol

I shall avaunt to bed now. Thank you for lending an ear. Talk to you anon. Keep out of trouble. <3

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