My therapist said to try writing when I’m having anxiety. So, here I am. There are different types of anxiety I get. Well, more like different symptoms of anxiety… some are easier to deal with than others. The shortness of breath and me “taking over my breathing” is the hardest. Mostly because I feel lightheaded and I just want this feeling of anxiety to stop. More than anything, just for it to stop. What am I having anxiety about? Not too sure. Which is why I’m writing. I do have an idea. Or a few ideas. So let’s put that out there. Ever feel hungry but you just don’t feel like eating? That’s me right now. It’s dinner time and I’m hungry so I’m eating. My head is really hating this… putting food in my mouth thing. My stomach is singing praises right now. I force myself to take more than the three or four bites it takes to not feel hungry anymore so I can actually get some food into myself.
Back to my anxiety… One of my hobbies is psychology. I love reading about it, watching youtube videos about it and just analyzing people. This liking psychology thing started when I was pretty young. Around the time that I started noticing things about my mom. I believe it’s the hardest to analyze your family and friends because you are always a bit biased. I think I started with reading about phobias because phobias are always fun. Not so much if one has it, but reading about it is fun. What I’m getting at is that I’ve analyzed my mom and myself for so long that I do fear that I have what she has. Though I can’t actually say what she has because she has not been formally diagnosed. She will never be diagnosed cause the narcissism in her will never allow it. I’m not completely sure if narcissism is a mental illness. It’s definitely a trait. Narcisstics are made, not born. I don’t fear that I’m narcissistic. After many talks with my therapist and just simply researching Borderline Personality Disorder, I believe that is what my mom has. I used to think she had Bipolar, though with bipolar the moods fluctuate at a slower pace. It lasts for days or months. With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the moods fluctuate rapidly. One can go with being happy then sad, to angry, back to happy within a half hour, an hour or the course of the day. My mom is all over the place with her moods. I have been doing a lot of thinking about BPD lately and have started to wonder if I have that as well. I already have Cyclothymia, which is a mild form of Bipolar. Though my moods fluctuate so much throughout the day, many moods within an hour, that I can’t help but wonder if I may have a form of BPD.
These fluctuations of moods are frustrating. It does affect my day. I can wake up and feel great, ready to get things done… ten minutes later I’m depressed or angry and I don’t want to do anything. A bit later I think I can get started with my day, but I always hope the happy, energetic feelings will stay and not turn very quickly. So this is one anxiety… that maybe I have what my mom has.
Second… and this is the craziest one because I’m a loner. I’m an introverted-happier-when-I’m-alone person. I don’t need people around me to be ok. I don’t get my energy from others, it’s quite the opposite, I often get exhausted being around a lot of people. Somehow, I get more nervous than I should. Than I did when I was younger when I’m alone. Especially when others leave the house. It’s such a weird concept that I don’t even know how to put this in words. I can use Kevin as an example. He left for work and I never saw him again. I think the hardest part of that time was the fact that I never saw him again. My head would constantly fool me into thinking that it can’t be true that he is gone unless I see him. Since I haven’t seen him, it can’t be true. So, yes, I can be alone. Being alone isn’t the problem. The problem is feeling that I will always keep being alone.
Third… I have had a crazy busy summer and I have a feeling I will get busier. Even though I write down what I need to do, I still panic as if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I blank out. I can’t remember what I just read so I will read my calendar twice, three, four, five, six times in a matter of minutes. Then have to keep checking cause I may be missing something. I always feel that I have forgotten something. I have two notebooks that I write down what needs to be done and appointments and many times I will also place it on my phone. It’s a bit of an overkill. When I was a kid I won $50 at church Sunday school cause I memorized 10 bible passages at once. I felt I was a fraud though, cause it wasn’t hard to memorize in the first place. Somehow, now, I can’t remember what I read 2 minutes ago.
I still have anxiety. Not as bad as earlier, but it’s still here. I’m now exhausted. Tomorrow is not too busy. I have checked and rechecked. The bottle water delivery is tomorrow and I have one appointment. I will have to recheck tomorrow morning as well. /sigh
Maybe I will read. Or draw. I think I will read. I have Harry Potter on my Kindle. I didn’t borrow that book from the library. I’m pleasantly surprised. I’m always up to rereading Harry Potter. Ok, so I haven’t finished the series yet. Maybe I will this time around. 🙂