Sometime I’d like to post those humorous type posts where I can be sarcastic and funny. Maybe later when I’m not so exhausted. I’m emotionally exhausted. Having to be around so many people this last weekend and week takes a lot out of me. I’m not sure completely why, though last weekend was a bit stressful. I dissociated a few times. It gets frustrating when I find that I have dissociated because I’m trying to be more aware of it before it happens. To recognize the symptoms and feelings so I can do my grounding techniques to keep my mind from drifting off. The most frustrating part of when I dissociate is when I cannot, for the life of me, remember a single thing. It’s as if I were asleep or something. I can’t remember details that just happened, what anyone was doing or talking about or what I was doing. The times that I have dissociated and I can see myself in the third person while I’m dissociating is actually less frustrating. Since I can see myself, I have some memory of what happened.

When I had the car accident. I was the passenger and I covered my face before impact. The next second I was standing outside the car and watching the car get hit. I saw the whole thing so I was able to tell the paramedics and police what happened. It’s not as scary when I can see myself and see what is going on. It’s hard to speak when I have dissociated but when I can see myself I still have some memory. It’s the times that I do not see myself as a third person, that I lose memory, that scares me the most. I seriously do not like having any memory. It is like I don’t have control over myself at that time. My therapist says I should try not to be frustrated when this happens. Being frustrated will bring more stress to the situation and make my anxiety worse.

Even talking about dissociation stresses me out. So much to the point that I have lost my train of thought in writing this. My mind just goes blank and I’m staring at this page, not knowing what more I should say. Mostly because my mind doesn’t seem to want to work anymore. This is frustrating. My mind feels broken and I’m desperately trying to fix it.

I even had some thought today about past events. Those times when I was with my mom or even with my ex-boyfriend; where I felt that I have had too many frustrations and lashed out. Were they right? Am I crazy and not realizing it? Am I kidding myself that I can do this and get better? Can I fix my broken mind? Are they right or did they gaslight me? Am I as in control of myself as I think I am most of the time? Sometimes I feel like hiding. Sometimes I feel like this is too hard.