Down memory lane…

I have a hard time remembering things. This is a bit different and it’s frustrating. I can remember many things from years ago. My short-term memory seems to have gotten worse. What’s crazy is that I used to have a photographic memory. I was able to picture things in my head. Now? Not so much. I can see hazy things, colors, sometimes it would just be black. I know what something would look like, say my car or one of my cats. Though I can’t picture them in my head. When someone says to imagine a beach, there is nothing in my head. I can’t picture anything in my head.

I used to be able to recall things without so much of writing them down. Say I needed groceries, I never had to have a list. Now, I need to write down everything. Then there are days when I’m doing pretty good, memory-wise. My therapist has given me some techniques to help me memorize things. It helps a little, though it just seems that my head doesn’t want to retain anything. Then I get anxiety and completely blank out.

I have so much blocked memory. The therapist and I have gone over this. I would be scared or have anxiety about something and I won’t know exactly what it is that is triggering the emotion. I feel like I have these holes in my memory. I have spent so much time blocking out things, bad things that have happened. Just things that I don’t want to remember, that it seems that I have a hard time just trying to remember simple things now. Even if I want to remember something, I may have trouble recalling it unless I have written it down.

This post seems so jumbled. My thoughts are jumbled right now. I can’t seem to get to thinking straight. The hardest part of therapy is when she is trying to have me remember things that have happened in the past. Triggers. I can remember feelings and emotions; though not always what causes them. I’m not sure this post is even making sense at the moment.

The therapist says the hardest part would be opening up the past. The problem is, is that I’m scared of doing that. Do I really want to remember what I blocked? Would it help? Would it help with my memory now if I could simply open my mind up to remembering everything? So many times during therapy I have started to dissociate when we are talking about the past. It just seems really hard to do, do open up the past.