Head Case

Facebook needs to stop showing me shoe ads. I’ve already looked at the shoes, they don’t have my size. I was delusional to regard they would. Carry on.

I’m watching a video on Facebook: Seaport Village. If anyone visits San Diego, go visit Seaport Village. It’s my favorite place to go when I lived in San Diego. Oh Lord, this is going to sound like an ad. Haha. Go to Old Town and go on the Ghost Tour. Definitely the Ghost Tour! And the Carlsbad Flower Fields! And whale watching from Scripps park or the old Point Loma lighthouse. They have cruises for whale watching too. The ferry to Coronado. Oh! The Oasis Camel Dairy. Yes, you read that. Camels in San Diego. They use camel milk for skin products. Of course, you have the normal stuff… the zoo, Sea World, Safari Park, Balboa Park, Legoland. I love seeing the pictures of my friends that still live in Chula Vista. It’s a nice nostalgic trip to my childhood. 🙂 (I had to pause the video as I typed. I can’t really listen to something and work at the same time unless it’s cleaning.)

So the plan for school next year, for us here, is to go to school two days a week and the rest of the week online. Which means I need to walk around and make sure they aren’t on Twitter or Tik-Tok. I’m planning this now cause, well, I need a plan. I’m thinking that I will have school at home maybe start at 8, lunch at 12 to 1 and we end at 5 with a few 15-minute breaks. Alexis and Chris will be at their desks while Karissa and Alex are at the dining room table cause I need a closer eye on them. I will be on my laptop in the living room. Every evening after they are done with their work, I will check it and see what needs to be done for the next day. I hope this works. One might think cause Karissa is in college that I don’t need to check on her as often. Not true. My not-so-little little girl is the poster-child for ADHD.

Can anyone guess where she got her ADHD from? It wasn’t her dad! I swear I have genetically granted my mental problems to my kids. I’ve always wondered if it was possible to genetically give their child anxiety disorders. I know it is possible with depression and other mental illnesses. We see it often how a family line will have this ‘curse’ of downward spirals. So I’m guessing it is totally possible to give your child anxieties. Alexis is now on anti-depressant/anxiety medication and it is working wonders. I can’t express how happy I have been seeing Alexis happy and not being so riled and irritated at small things. I have been watching her closely and I’m hoping this works for her and we can keep up with her coping mechanisms. Especially in this upcoming school year. Being her last year in high school and the pandemic changing everything so much.

My head is in a much better place today. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes I don’t realize that my head is in a bad place. I’ve dissociated yesterday. I’m not really sure when I did. I remember small things. The weirdest part of dissociating is when my mind seems to move so far away, separated from my body. I can see myself… my body doing things, like sitting at a table, but I’m watching myself. And I’m telling that body what to do. So when people are talking to me, it’s hard for me to respond. It comes out in stutters and often those are asking if I’m ok cause I can’t get a word out without stuttering. When I dissociate I’m supposed to do some steps to come back. Sometimes that is a bit harder when I’m trying to remember the damn grounding technique and I can’t remember it. I did the grounding technique twice yesterday to come back from dissociating. I know the big things that would trigger my PTSD, but it is the smaller things that I tend to overlook and that is where the problem starts. I would be scrolling Facebook and a headline catches my eye. Even though I haven’t read the article, my mind has already zoned out. Not dissociated, but zoned out and reading while zoned isn’t the best thing for me. I know what I need to stay away from and it’s sometimes hard to do that… as the news. Our brains are hardwired for negativity. The kids may be screaming too much at their video games. It is such a small thing, but to me, it can be a trigger. I do things to make sure I don’t get triggered: closing the door, headphones. Maybe I will draw a picture. Oh! Gotta story on that.

The other day I drew some mushrooms. Not the type of mushrooms that you see at the grocery store, but those wild Alice in Wonderland type mushrooms with weird heads and stems. I showed it Tom and he said, “penises.” So now every time I look at it I think ‘defective penises’ instead of mushrooms. I did show it to Kel, who said she sees mushrooms when she looks at it.

I started typing this morning. I left for a long while as we searched for a color printer. Which apparently is hard to find. Took three stores before we found one. I have that itch to suddenly print a lot of stuff out for no reason at all. Tom got a laminate machine. I was thinking of taking my grandma’s old recipe cards and laminate them. I want to write out the recipes first since the cards are faded, and have the recipe card next to the recipe I write out. Haply compose a recipe book type thing.

Alexis went to her friend’s house. Her friend graduated from high school. She came home with the biggest cup of chocolate candy that I’ve ever seen. Lol. She said her “social battery” drained at 7 but they started watching movies outside so she decided to stay. She and the movie ‘Frozen’ get along really well. 🙂 She had a lot of fun. With socializing today, tomorrow she will most likely be a hermit in her room.

Karissa made tacos tonight. Really, I think it was more about getting out of chores. If you cook dinner, you don’t need to do the nightly chores. I’m surprised none of the other kids really speak up to do the cooking. Maybe I can walk them through an easy meal. Cooking for seven people is intimidating.

Oh, I got a switch for my birthday so I finally started playing Animal Crossing. I remember the first Animal Crossing. When was that? Late 80’s? My island is called Serenity. From Firefly. I like it. It’s relaxing. I also started playing Dragon Quest 11. Is it 11? Loving the story. In Final Fantasy xiv, I’m currently leveling my paladin and bard at the same time. I’m waiting for the next patch to come out. I think in August. 🙂 Skyrim has been put on pause while I play other games. Heh.

I shall post this now. Must head off to bed. Stay happy and healthy and stay out of trouble. Until anon. <3

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