I’m procrastinating

I have trouble believing merely neurotypical people exist. When you are hungry; you eat. When you are sleepy; you sleep. Where the brain does not require so much effort to realize these things. The brain just… works. There is no Dedicated Screaming Hour?

My brain is much like a crafts room. What be quite literally the opposite of what I like my surroundings to be like. I would like to be minimalistic. I feel like I have too much stuff to acquire that. Getting rid of things is tricky. I must do so in a way that others do not think that I’m having a crisis and just throwing things away on a whim.

Back to my brain. My introverted brain. Not that I don’t want to see or talk to people. I just want to do it strategically.

Sometimes I’m outright afraid to talk to people. I’m afraid of others’ intentions, reactions.. mostly intentions. This may stem from my mother who I am deeply afraid of talking to just for that main reason. There are other reasons, but that one.. is big. Being that I don’t talk to others as much as I should, I am very aware of why a person suddenly sends me a message or text. Especially if they never have a conversation with me. I’m easily influenced. They know that. It’s easy to make me feel guilty or sorry for others and will use that knowledge to their advantage. When I have nothing to offer, they leave me alone. I’m ok with that. The leaving me alone part. Since they only talk to me when they want something. My introverted, bipolar, PTSD brain wants to encave.

Like I have mentioned ere, I have trouble talking to people. People are scary. Some know exactly what to say where I just stare at my shoes and wonder when the earth is going to swallow me up. Having a mother (and others) who made all my decisions, including my likes and dislikes, I freeze when others ask for my opinion or decision. It takes me forever to make a decision. I will constantly ask for validation and others’ opinions before I give mine. “Do you like this?” Yeah sure if you like it, I like it. Or when I just agree because I’m afraid to say no out of habit from bad past experiences. Learned helplessness is a thing. My brain tells me that I am in a different place. My primitive brain wants nothing to do with the other side of my brain and wants to go in full panic mode. Over nothing. Why are you panicking, brain? It’s what I do. Well, ya need to stop.

I can be anywhere and my eyes will start seeing something different. The walls in a house will change until I see my old house. The scenery will change until I’m placed in a different area. People will start looking like those that I’m scared of. I have to completely stop what I’m doing and reassure myself that I’m not where I think I am.

The problem with my lack of opinion is that I’m easily taken advantage of. I was making cookies once in my childhood home. I messed up said cookies and had to make a whole new batch. I was told that I would not make a good wife because I didn’t know how to cook. I took this very seriously. I was also told to be a good wife I would need to learn how to sew. I can sew buttons. That is the extent of my sewing career. Although! I am looking into taking a sewing class with Kel this Spring at the college. It will be fun. Not that I don’t like any of the things that were told that I need to learn; I love cooking and I do love crafts and sewing… ’tis the implications that were put upon me.

Back to the topic; I felt that I had to be a certain way to please someone. They told me I needed to be this or that and I became this or that. I was told that I had to do things a certain way, so I did things a certain way. I was told that I no longer have an interest in something, then I no longer had an interest in something. I haven’t scrapbooked in so long cause my ex told me that I no longer like doing it. I’m still am conflicted about makeup. I love makeup. I love skin care products and hair products. I love coloring my hair. I was never encouraged to play with all that stuff. I was either a slut or looking for trouble. My ex only allowed me to wear it when he was around. So I hide that interest from everyone. Sometimes I’m not sure what I like because I’m so used to having others tell me what to do. Or like. So when I say something or do something it seems sudden, when I’ve been interested in said thing all my life.

I’ve also noticed that I will forbear an interest or change it if someone knows about it. Alexis does this, and I think she gets it from me. Which is why I get excited when she talks to me about something she loves. I’d like to do that. To talk about something I love without any hesitation. Without any worry that I had been judged or undone. I wish to soon attain such attribute.

I’m not really sure if my writing today has much purpose. It’s actually a distraction today. A procrastination. A tool to keep me away from my Python reading. If just for an instant. I should get back to my reading. I hope everyone is doing well and will be back anon. 🙂