I keep thinking that I should write more. That I will write more. Here’s to attempt number.. I lost count.

My paranoia is starting to get to me, making it hard to study. From studying my A+ certification I’m not sure if I’m learning more or finding out that I don’t know as much about computers as I thought.

My paranoia works several ways:

  1. The feeling those others are watching me. (This is me right now)
  2. The feeling that I need to be attending to others’ needs or that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, thus about to get “in trouble” for it.
  3. The feeling that I am in danger and need to get away as quickly as possible.

The paranoid feeling that someone is watching me doesn’t just happen when I’m outside. Quite the opposite really. When I’m outside, I actually feel more secure in the sense that there are so many people around that I feel they are too busy with their own lives to see me. When I’m outside I do get social anxiety and general anxiety, but that is completely different from the feeling of someone watching me. I get this paranoid “someone is watching me” feeling when I’m inside, either by myself or around family and friends where we are all just sitting around doing nothing. I do love having alone time to read or study or whatever. I’m rarely “bored” because I enjoy being alone. During the eight years of my last relationship, I was never alone. When I went to the store, when I took my kids to school and picked them up, and even in the bathroom. Yes, my ex would even accompany me to the bathroom and stay there the entire time I did my business whatever that bathroom business was. When I went to work I had to text him when I got to work, during my breaks, before and after I called him during my lunch break and after work before I drove home. So the idea of being “alone” right now kind of scares me. I feel I will turn around or turn the corner and someone will be standing there or if I’m reading and other are around that I need to stop what I’m doing for someone is staring at me. This paranoia always turns into my next paranoia: that I need to be attending to others’ needs or I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do.

When you have time for yourself you learn that you are important and should be one of your top priorities, even sometimes when you have kids. As I believe that if you aren’t happy and healthy it will surely be hard to keep your kids happy and healthy. One has knowledge that as long as they aren’t completely self-involved, doing something you enjoy shouldn’t be wrong or punishable. This would be all fine and dandy if I weren’t gaslighted to believe that if I were doing something that I enjoy or it was just for me, that I was being completely selfish. In other terms, I was not waiting on someone hand and foot. So I’m always paranoid that I’m doing something wrong or that I need to attend to someone’s needs. Even if it is blatantly obvious that I do not need to be doing this and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing at the moment. Even as I write this there is some fear that I will be punished for this. I have backspaced so much my fingers hurt.

My last paranoia is the feeling that I’m in danger. This doesn’t happen much when I’m alone, but it does happen a lot when I’m out. Which is often why I stay home. Not so much because I’m reserved or an introvert or that I’m socially awkward. I’ve tried to go to the mall or out by myself. Go get something to eat by myself. I usually make it for about ten minutes to the most an hour and then rush home. Unless I have to be at a certain place or if I’m with someone, I can’t go out by myself for long. I feel guilty for being out, I feel paranoid that I will be punished for being out and I feel that I’m in danger if I’m out. This is the paranoia I hate the most. I feel trapped by it.

Then the paranoia turns into anxiety. It could be an anxiety attack and paranoia is one of the symptoms.

Three weeks till summer vacation. I’m looking forward to that. Yes, I will have all four kids home every day, but it gives a distraction from my paranoias.