Psychologically confusing

My allergies are so bad right now. I forgot to bring eye drops but that’s alright.

I have been to Karissa’s college for a bit. We live about 45 minutes away. So I like to save gas and not drive so much, given the fact that driving isn’t my favorite activity. So I have been studying Linux at the library while she is in class. My anxiety has not given me the chance to be completely comfortable there at their library. Although I do love the atmosphere there. The sentiment I have with Karissa is if she needs me, text me. Other than that, enjoy your day. She felt a little strange at first, asking if that would hurt my feelings. I told her no if she wants to hang out, cool, but I do need to study and she needs to be a college student. Karissa has always been too afraid to hurt others’ feelings. I’m aware of that. Though we are two different people. She loves to socialize, I don’t. I certainly, in no way, want to stunt her college growth.

The second floor of the library has this really cool floor to ceiling windows, that yep, you guessed it. I get easily distracted by looking out the windows. I changed my seating on the second day. I usually go to the second floor in the morning and on the bottom floor in the afternoon. I’m not sure why and maybe it’s because I’m much too shy to explore the library too much… Why is there such a shortage of outlets? Electrical outlets? The kind where I like to plug my laptop in. I have noticed that the bottom floor seems to have more outlets. Since this library is technically new, it is strange that they don’t have many innovative features… like electrical outlets. I sound like a teen that is suffering during a power outage. “Where is my electricity?!” Haha. I’d unplug my laptop right now except that I’m using my laptop to charge my phone. Really not a recommended route to charging your phone. I have ten percent to go and my laptop will be done with its charging job.

My Ipad can no longer be updated. Damn you, Apple! So, the question is… Save up for a new Ipad or another non-Apple tablet?

So, after years of wondering if I have anything genetically different about me, I found out that I and my girls have CHARGE syndrome. It was thought of to be Noonan syndrome at first. When I was younger I was first thought to have Down syndrome and then Turner’s syndrome but nothing was ever tested upon. The therapist and genetics doctor have all asked if I have been tested for anything and think it’s weird that I haven’t been. Actually, if they knew my mom, it would make total sense to why I haven’t been tested and I will get to that later.

Karissa has already been psychologically tested. The genetics doctor would like Alexis tested too. I’ve always assumed that Karissa had ADHD. Maybe a mild form. Trust me when I say that this girl baffles me. I think the fact that she can sit and actually focus for a certain amount of time is what always made me or her teachers think that maybe she doesn’t have ADHD. Though she has much of the same characteristics as her dad had. Kevin couldn’t sit down to watch TV, I swear he would be pacing the room or standing while watching football. So, maybe I normalized a few characteristics? Her diagnoses, yes plural, still has me baffled. As I won’t go into detail since this is a sensitive subject for her, it still doesn’t answer many questions that I have had. I’ve always known that she is delayed. Spending the first year of your life sick will do that. There is still much of an inconsistent disconnect that is confusing. Sometimes she is able to do things that surprise me that she didn’t need any help or that she excelled in. Then there would be other things that I feel she should be able to do and does need extra help for. This is all confusing without many contexts and I’m sorry about that. Though her diagnoses, in truth, does not begin to explain much. If anything, it made things more confusing.

The genetics doctor does want us to see a few other doctors for the symptoms of CHARGE syndrome, to basically make sure everything is ok.

*side note. I just took my hearing aids’ Bluetooth so I don’t need to use my headphones. Bad idea, I can still hear all noises as the sounds from the laptop go through my hearing aids. It sucks. Tomorrow, headphones.*

As for myself being so late in getting genetically tested and getting hearing aids… I can say my mother is narcissistic since she is a pretty textbook subject in that area. What would others think if her daughter had problems? Much of my childhood has been in the hospital so I know for certain that she was not going to have anything else done to further my stays at the hospital. I’ve gotten in trouble a few times at school because my mom did not want to tell the school or anyone that I was in the hospital. I was to have an image of perfection. Lord knows I’m far from that, lol. After Kevin passed away my dad made an appointment for me to see therapy, which my mom promptly forbid because others would think I’m crazy.

Living with a narcissist, you learn to just let things be and allow that person to handle things because there is no way you are going to win. It isn’t like I don’t have my opinions, but it’s hard to bring them up since I’m so used to another person saying what my opinions are. Even now, when someone asks how I feel or what I think. I just stand there dumbfounded, and muttering “I don’t know.” It isn’t that you don’t have thoughts and feelings, you are just so cut off from them that you have become a zombie. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are all provided for you. It’s scary giving my own opinions. It’s like living in a straitjacket. I’m told that I don’t like telling others that I’m deaf. Well, I’m not used to telling others my problems and frankly, I’ve lived so long with myself not being able to hear that I kind of forget to say something. Growing up, it was the schools and teachers who kept saying that I can’t hear. My mom never saw my lack of hearing as a problem.

So that is why, I’m sure, that I’ve never been tested for some things.

For now, I’m going to read a bit about logging in Unix/Linux and then Karissa will be done with her classes today.

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