Sunday ramblings

I’m out of matcha tea. This makes me sad. I’m working on my bullet journal for next year. I have to start early cause if I don’t I will get too overwhelmed and not even use it, even though I want to use it. When your black ink pad comes out as red ink… Ok, I will just continue on. Haha. I want to put on a page of lunar phases cause I love that stuff and astronomy and astrology. My therapist has mentioned trigger tracking, so I should try that. Yes, she mentioned this about a year ago. I’m slow. Gosh, I can feel my anxiety as I write this. Why so much anxiety? I wish I kept my notebooks from when I was a kid where I used to just write down the calendar and random stuff and lists. My bullet journal paper is 160gsm and there is still bleeding and ghosting. I’m using stencil lettering cause that is one of my favorites. I remember my art teacher at AV High hated stencil lettering and would always give me crap for using it. Ok, taking a break from my lunar calendar.

Have pics of last night’s full moon. I wish there were some clouds. Not to cover the moon, but to make the moon look more spooky. Lexi spent the night at a friend’s house. Karissa made dinner and went back to her English report, the boys played outside and we had three trick-or-treaters. It was a quiet Halloween. Final Fantasy xiv didn’t have their Halloween event, cause… Covid. So I played Animal Crossing’s Halloween event and admired the moon.

I have a new Fitbit. This is my fourth Fitbit. The first one was a gift, that was exchanged cause the display stopped displaying, then that one had a bad battery so Fitbit gave me another one, then that one stopped displaying also, so now I have my new and I hope it lasts longer. I haven’t really realized that we had a time change this weekend. Covid is getting worse and they closed the ice rink. The boys don’t have hockey practice for a bit. I didn’t register Lexi for hockey since they don’t actually have much of a team and they aren’t playing any games for a bit. Also, all her games would be in Colorado since she was part of the Colorado hockey teams.. so, there was that. She just came back from her friend’s house. Copied her dermatologist’s directions for her acne. Karissa has a dermatologist appointment in a few weeks. They have their dad’s acne problem so we are trying to fight that.

I’ve been staying off of social media lately and trying to stay in touch with everyone as I do that. I feel guilty for not being on social media and saying hi or doing my daily greeting, though I have so much anxiety right now that I can’t handle being on there. Being outside is a bit of an anxiety attack for these times of pestilence to continue to pervade our lands, but it is ok because we are all comfortably insane now. This year has been such a kick in the behind and it feels as if it has lasted for so long. I remember events from January but it doesn’t feel like it has happened this year.

I’m rambling but I feel that I need to. Just get everything off my mind before I become more comfortably insane. Ever have those words where you pronounce them differently in your head than when you say them out loud so you can spell them correctly? The word comfortable is one of those words for me. The kids have been calling everything ‘juice’ lately. Almond milk is nut juice, milk is cow juice, tea is leaf juice, etc. It’s getting weird now.

My anxiety right now feels the same as I did when my ex was first sent to prison. I’m scared about what will happen in these next few weeks. Being gaslighted will do this to you. My PTSD is being triggered way too easily. One may feel once their abuser goes away that you are finally free. That is true with the physical and sexual abuse part of the equation. But the mental and emotional part is still there. And it lingers for a long time. When you are so used to being micro-managed, it becomes a normality. You don’t know what to do with yourself when choices are left up to you. You have adjusted your reality to believe that these events were not has bad as a way of coping. I feel that I’m fighting a battle every day so my cyclothymia does not turn into bipolar. I am dissociating right now talking about this. I did tell my therapist I would try to talk about my mental states. Ok, trying to remember what I was thinking about. I really just like to talk about something else now. I’ve been staring at this for a half-hour zoned out. I will write more later.

Be safe out there!