I have therapy today, and I thought I’d talk about how I don’t give myself a break. Even though it’s been 11 years since I left an abusive relationship, I still feel guilty—like I was the one causing harm. There’s a clear divide between what I know and what I feel: I don’t give myself an out, instead blaming myself for what happened and for staying so long.
Logically, I know the abuse wasn’t my fault. I also know I stayed because I was scared of the repercussions of leaving. This rational understanding contrasts sharply with my emotions. If a friend were in the same situation, I wouldn’t judge her—I’d understand why she stayed, and I would never think less of her.
Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself for my choices and let go of guilt, even now?
Therapy went well today. I focused on why I can’t forgive myself and let go of the guilt. I took notes during the session since I usually don’t remember much afterward. Here are some of the things we talked about:
* Trauma rewires self-perception. The constant blame-shifting and gaslighting from my ex really affected my confidence and the way I see myself. Even after leaving, those patterns echo in my head, making it harder to truly believe I’m not at fault.
* Control feels safer than helplessness. Sometimes survivors blame themselves because it creates an illusion of control: “If it was my fault, maybe I could have done something differently.” But admitting I had no control is terrifying. Facing the reality that I lived through something dangerous is terrifying. I catch myself downplaying what really happened because it’s difficult to fully accept that I was abused.
* Compassion feels easier to give to others than to myself. I would never judge a friend for staying, yet when it comes to me, extending that same understanding feels so much harder. I need to re-learn how to treat myself with gentleness—to give myself a break, and to acknowledge that what I went through was truly traumatizing.
This is harder than it looks. Downplaying my past has become second nature, but I need to start facing what actually happened to me. Part of me doesn’t want to—I’d rather dissociate and stay in that happy bubble where nothing bad exists. But in therapy, we talked about how giving myself grace could allow me to be genuinely happy, without needing that bubble. Because the truth is, I’m in a better place now. I’m no longer in danger, no longer being gaslit, and I have the freedom to make my own choices.
What I really want is to let go of the past and stop being controlled by it. I don’t want my decisions to keep reflecting old wounds. I’d like to go outside without feeling like I need to watch my back, or walk into a store without worrying I might run into my ex. Even though it’s not possible anymore, my mind still creates endless “what ifs” about what could happen if I let my guard down. I know that’s my PTSD talking. And what I want most is to finally be free of that weight.
This feels like such a heavy topic, and I don’t really like that. I prefer to keep things light here, but I guess sometimes that just isn’t possible.
On a lighter note – It’s almost autumn! 🍂 My favorite season is sneaking in with cozy sweaters, crunchy leaves, and way too many pumpkin-flavored things. The air gets crisp, the candles come out, and suddenly everything feels like a warm hug. I’m so ready.
—and of course, with it comes my allergies! The cozy weather, crunchy leaves, and pumpkin-flavored everything are wonderful… but the sneezing, watery eyes, and scratchy throat? Not so much. Since I deal with Fall allergies, I try to be extra careful this time of year. For me, that means keeping windows closed on high pollen days, staying hydrated, and taking it easy so I don’t mistake allergy symptoms for actually getting sick. It’s a small price to pay for enjoying my favorite season.
I still need to finish making the bed since I washed the sheets today. I’m also cooking chicken adobo for dinner, so I should probably get started on everything now.
