My Faithful Pen

My pen takes wing across the page.

That’s how it used to be. I used to tell others that I will never fully give in to the digital age that to which my generation was the first to experience. I accepted records turning into tapes, turning into cds, into mp3s, into streaming. I’ve sort of gave into ebooks. The physical books give me a bit of nostalgia.

But the pen. I refuse to accept the digital pen. I do love all the fonts I can use, but there is just something about displaying ink across paper. The pleasure of writing is truly by the hand. Patience is within a writing instrument. Away with the distraction of digital devices. As I am fully well aware that I’m currently writing this from the ease of my phone. My phone is just one of the digital age’s greatest invention. I still prefer ink on paper.

Through the years I think I have become distracted more by these digital inventions rather than giving into the patience of writing by hand. So much so that I have almost forgotten how to get back into the handwritten world. My journal will show a few letters that I’ve forgotten how to write in cursive. It wasn’t natural anymore. I have found that I can switch up the font in my cursive writing since I have forgotten that much.

Another problem I have ran into is a form of writer’s block that I can only describe as anxiety. My mind races through so many questions: What should I write about? Will my writing be good enough? Would friends and family members even want a handwritten letter rather than a half paragraph email? Why was writing easier back then? What has changed over the years to make this harder?

For right now I don’t have the answers. I yearn to find them though.

… Cat

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Just marking my way through

I’m sitting here waiting for the boys to get out of school. I wouldn’t mind them taking the bus home, but they have hockey practice. Well, one has hockey. The other will be driving cause of course, I can’t drive home at night.

I’m thinking I need to minimize my stuff again. This time my stationery. I have enough with me alone buying things over the years. I have projects that have started years ago that I have yet to finish.

Though it seems that I’m the stationery drop off point for those that have no use for their old stationery. Take my youngest whom has left for college and left me her entire Crayola marker set.

Who needs all these markers? I will never use them?! Mostly cause they are in a box under my desk. Out of my sight. When I’m drawing I use my Tombows. I will not part with my Tombows, cause I use them.

There are just so many stuff that I don’t use. And Sharpies! I love Sharpies. I have every color of the rainbow and some made up colors that they have made. But how did I get doubles, and triples and quadruples of different colors? And why do I still have them?

But right now, I feel an urge to just get rid of all this. I don’t like having too much stuff. I feel awful having them. I also feel awful just throwing them out. But do I give my old stuff to someone else so it accumulates in the back of their closet or under their desk?

Growing up I didn’t have too much stuff. I had stuff. But my mom made sure I didn’t have too much stuff. It got to a point that I learned how to clean so it looked like I had no stuff so my mom would quit ‘cleaning’ house. I also learned not to leave any homework lying around cause those ended up in the trash also. Though yes, this has made me feel that I need to get rid of my things so I don’t feel like I’m hoarding anything. Let’s not talk about my collection of bags that I have kept since high school. That’s another story for another day. If it is in good condition, I have trouble letting go of it.

But what do I do with these plethora of pens and markers that I have accumulated over the years?

And please don’t mind the layout of this site. I’m sloooooowly working on it. What colors should I use on this thing?

Anyone?

Till next time.. Cat

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I’m just happy that I wrote something today!

I keep thinking it’s October, but it’s still September. My computer is already decked out in Halloween aesthetic.

Does everyone here celebrate Halloween? I do have some friends and family who don’t celebrate it. I believe it’s the act of celebrating the dead or dressing up as witches or devils that somehow let those demons enter our realm of reality. It’s hard to talk about. I’ve always loved fantasy stories with characters such as witches or fairies. I know some history of witches, faes, etc. I don’t know. The way we celebrate Halloween now is more of a kids’ type play. They dress up as crazy characters and collect candy. The more serious celebrations are a celebration of those loved ones who have passed on. I’m guessing I don’t like being told I’m somehow evil or something for liking Halloween. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. Haha.

Onto other things… I’m feeling better from my gallbladder extractions a few months ago. The whole experience was alright. The wounds healed quickly. The massive bruising my abdomen decided to spring upon me took a little over a month to clear up. Then my eczema decided to break out all over my abdomen. And that is still healing; which is almost clear. Tom just had his gallbladder taken out and seems to be healing nicely.

Both of my girls are now in college. It’s a different experience for me. But as it is, they will more or less always need me. Tom and I have made many trips to Portales to help Lexi’s transition into college. I’ve started reviewing restaurants on Google since I’ve been going to so many lately. Just wait until hockey starts for the boys. I want to start using Yelp since I’ve already started reviewing on Google.

If anyone has ideas on how to write more or how I can overcome the shyness and anxiety of writing, please tell me!

‘Till next time,
CatFacebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

I’ve spent a few days wondering what kind of post I want to make. I can’t seem to decide if I’m scared or angry or happy. See, I feel nothing about what happened a few days ago. I mean, I don’t give a rat’s ass about it. At first, I was scared. When I heard I wanted to shut down all my social media accounts. I did set those that weren’t on private, to private. I don’t know when I will want to open them too, well, not private. I was going to basically wipe myself from the internet. After a while I was angry. I hate living like this. Living in a world where I had to watch every move I make and be scared that I’m in danger. The more I was hearing the more I started not to care anymore. Part of me is still scared but I’m going to believe those that say I have nothing to worry about. Surely they are right and I don’t have to worry anymore. 

See, it’s been 7 years since I left California. And I left California under unpleasant circumstances. It wasn’t planned. Well, there was a plan but I wasn’t really involved in the planning cause I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My ex was sent to prison and this was my chance to leave. I had to pack up myself, my girls, and my animals and leave. I sold my house in less than a month. (I don’t actually recommend selling that quickly) But I didn’t have a choice. I left half of my house behind. It cost 5k in trash pickup to clean out that house.. which I paid through what I made in the sale of the house. I didn’t care. I had to take myself and my girls out of there. It was too dangerous to be around there. 

Seven years of therapy to get my life and my brain back on track. Everyone saying that after seven years I should try to become more open, no need to hide. It’s been seven years, he wouldn’t try to look for me now. Right? Wrong. The first friend said that she has been getting questions about me from him. The second friend messages me this whole ‘going ons’ about what is going on over there in California. I swear my second friend probably knows almost everyone in L.A. and L.A. County. Why the heck is this still going on? Why is this still a thing? 

When this was all still new… seven years ago… I did feel guilty about how I left. I hate making people mad or hurting their feelings. How stupid was I? How naive was I? The thing is, I already dealt with narcissistic people. I thought this should make me, I don’t know, well seasoned in knowing and dealing with those that are narcissistic. But how he is now. All the lies about me that I’m hearing now. That is the real him. 

I had a realization yesterday that I’m happy. That I’m happy that I don’t have to deal with him anymore. That it’s over. He can say all the crap that he wants. I don’t care anymore. I’m not sorry that I don’t conform to his standards of feminine perfection. I’m quite happy with the way I am. I’m happy to be away from all that drama. 

Maybe one day I will take all my social media off of the privacy setting…

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