We didn’t make it to Alexis’s dental appointment this morning because Kel had a job interview and wasn’t home in time to take her. Alexis rescheduled for tomorrow morning, and Alex will take her instead. Kel and Karissa are heading to California in the morning for TwitchCon – I’m sure they’ll have a great time. Since I wouldn’t be going in with Alexis anyway, it doesn’t make much sense for me to tag along. I need to let her spread her wings and fly every now and then.
I’ve been studying cybersecurity all morning and haven’t had lunch yet. I should probably grab something to eat and then get some coding in.
I said I’d talk about my inability to show excitement, so here we are. My head is in a better place today. I’ve been thinking about what my therapist said – how my relationship with my ex might be part of the reason I struggle to express excitement. It makes sense when I think about it. If I was talking about anything or anyone that wasn’t him, I wasn’t allowed to show excitement. That was a guaranteed fight. How dare I be happy about something that didn’t revolve around him?
I remember how depressed I became during that relationship, how my emotions started turning inward. One time, I was reading a book that really pulled me in, and he accused me of paying more attention to the book than to him. At the time, I believed he was right, but not for the reasons he thought. It wasn’t because of the book. It was because I’d spent years being emotionally suffocated by him. It became hard, even scary, to feel excited about anything.
There was another moment that stands out. A coworker once gave me several loaves of bread from Panera – fancy bread, not the regular sandwich kind. I didn’t even know you could buy loaves of bread from Panera. I was genuinely excited about it. But my ex got angry. Angry that I was happy over bread. It makes me shake my head now because it was never about the bread. It was about control. My fear of showing excitement ties back to those years. I learned to associate excitement with conflict. Even though I know now I’m safe to express joy, it’s like the habit of silence got carved into me. Not showing emotion became who I was, even though it’s not who I really am. Does that make sense?
One of the first red flags should have told me everything. I had just started working at Walmart, and they’d put out the Christmas decorations. After work, I stopped to look at them and called him, excited to share. Instead of sharing in my joy, he berated me for not coming straight home. I remember feeling sad instead of angry. I should have been angry. But now knowing how he reacted to things, it was probably safer to stay quiet.
The other day, Alexis and I were in the truck heading to get our blood drawn, and she said she’s a lot like me because of our love for stationery. She told me about how she bought colorful pens, thinking the ink matched the barrel colors, only to find out they were all black. I didn’t mention that next time she should read the package. It made me smile. I get excited over little things like that, too – stationery, bread, pens. But in that moment, even though I felt it inside, I couldn’t quite show it. It’s strange how something as simple as showing excitement can feel so foreign after being conditioned not to.
However, I did feel excitement, and I think that is part of the healing process. I haven’t lost the capacity to feel joy; it’s just that my body and mind learned long ago that showing it wasn’t safe. And Tommy had mentioned that I’ve been depressed for so long that I have forgotten how to show excitement.
I actually took some notes yesterday during therapy:
1. Acknowledge the feeling in real time.
It reinforces awareness of your emotions and begins to reconnect feeling with expression.
2. Start with small, safe expressions.
A smile or laugh. It will feel forced, but with repetition, my nervous system will start to relearn that it’s okay to express.
3. Write in my journal or draw.
Learning to express my feelings on paper might make it easier to do so in person. Or I can start by writing what I would say if I could express myself freely.
4. Create safe emotional spaces.
I may find it easier to express myself to those who feel emotionally safe. Notice what it’s like to express even a little more with them.
5. Healing the root cause.
Continue processing the past – especially the moments where showing excitement led to pain or disappointment so I can unlearn the fear behind emotional expression.
This is going to take a while. I’m going to do some coding now and then put clothes away once they are out of the dryer.
