For an operating system that is supposedly no longer supported, Windows 10 has been remarkably busy. I’ve had update after update popping up – this is probably the third one just in the past week. At this point, I’m not sure if they’re phasing it out or clinging to it for dear life. Either way, my computer definitely did not sign up for this much activity.
I haven’t lifted weights in a while, so getting back into it last night with Tommy was both fun and humbling. We eased into a routine, but my arms are so sore today. It’s that satisfying kind of ache, though. The app tried to go easy on me by suggesting 10-pound weights, but Tommy immediately bumped me up to heavier ones, insisting the 10 pounds were way too easy for me. Haha!
I’ve been reading through some of my old journal entries, and it’s funny – either I’ve gotten less sarcastic over the years, or I’ve just finally learned to accept life a little more. I used to be so sharp with my words. Looking back, I can see just how sarcastic I really was. But honestly, I understand why younger me leaned on that tone so much. I’d been through a lot, and sarcasm was one of the ways I coped, protected myself, and made sense of things that felt too heavy to carry any other way.
Now, reading those entries feels like talking to an old version of myself – one who was trying her best with the tools she had. It’s strange and comforting at the same time.
Sometimes I still catch myself feeling like a fool for ever getting involved with my ex. But the truth is, I didn’t know any better at the time. I wasn’t in a stable place – my dad had just passed away, and everything in my life felt blurry and disorganized. Somehow, my ex ended up living in my house that same week, and to this day, I genuinely have no idea how it even happened. I had just gotten my house back to myself after two guests overstaying their welcome, and then suddenly he was there, as if he had just… slipped into that empty space.
I remember my aunt and grandma coming to see the house while he sat in his car in the garage. I still don’t understand why he was even there, or why he didn’t just come inside if the plan was for him to “visit.” That whole week is a fog. I was so focused on my dad, on my grief, on my girls, and just trying to stay upright. I felt so alone – like it was me and my girls against the world – and I think that loneliness made me vulnerable in ways I didn’t recognize.
Part of me wishes I had been more aware, more grounded, more protective of my space. Maybe then I wouldn’t have let anyone move in so easily. But I also know that if a friend told me this same story, I would never call her a fool. I would tell her she was grieving, overwhelmed, human – and that someone else took advantage of a moment when she needed care, not chaos.
So I’m trying to extend that same compassion to myself. I didn’t fail. I survived something difficult while carrying so much weight. And I’m learning from it, instead of shaming myself for being human.
I have a doctor’s appointment later today – once again, I managed to get the plastic dome from my hearing aid stuck in my ear. This time it’s my right ear. I don’t even know how I keep doing this, but here we are. At least I know the drill by now: go in, explain what happened, and hope they can pluck it out quickly so I can get on with my day. Still, it’s annoying and a little embarrassing that this has become a recurring theme in my life. I need to take out the hearing aid gently, and hopefully the entire thing stays intact.
Alex is driving me to my appointment, but I’m not entirely sure what the plan is afterward. The doctor’s office is right between home and the city, so it could go either way – he might bring me back home, or I might end up heading into the city with him while he visits the college and stops by to see Chris. I guess I’ll just find out once we’re on the road.
I’m really hoping I can make it back home after my appointment. I still have some studying to do, and I need to portion out the pumpkin purée that’s currently sitting in a big bowl in the fridge. My plan is to weigh out 15 ounces per bag, but I couldn’t do it last night because the kitchen scale died on me. I ended up having to charge it instead.
I didn’t think I’d be gone all day. I spent an hour at the doctor’s office, even though the actual appointment lasted maybe five minutes. But the wild part isn’t the wait – it’s the mystery of the hearing aids.
I’m honestly so confused. My right hearing aid doesn’t have a dome anymore, yet there was nothing in my right ear. My left hearing aid does have a dome, yet that’s the ear they pulled a dome out of. And it makes sense now – last night, my left hearing aid kept falling out, probably because there was already a plastic dome stuck in there. No wonder that ear hurts this morning.
A few nights ago, I left my hearing aids on my dresser instead of putting them in their case because I was too lazy to walk back to the office. I swear both domes were intact. But in the morning, in the half-dark, I put them on, and the right one was suddenly missing a dome. I’m starting to think maybe I accidentally put my right hearing aid into my left ear. It didn’t fit, so I took it back out, and maybe the dome stayed behind?
But then tonight, when I tried to put the dome back on the hearing aid, I realized it wasn’t even the right hearing aid – it was the left one. So this whole time I’ve been thinking my right hearing aid was missing its dome, but it was actually the left all along. You’d think I’d know the difference between them, especially since they’re color-coded: red for right, blue for left. And yet here we are.
After my doctor’s appointment, Alex and I swung by Costco to fill up the truck. While we were there, Alex picked up a whole Costco pizza, a cookie, and a Coke for Chris. We drove over to Chris’s dorm to drop everything off, and afterward, we headed to the college so Alex could register for his classes starting in January.
I’m home now and just finished making dinner – carnitas tacos tonight. I’m a bit tired, but I think we’re still exercising later. It’s leg day. I’m eating now, then I’ll rest for a bit before we start.
