I can always tell Thanksgiving is around the corner when there are pumpkin pie pumpkins sitting on the kitchen counter. I need to bake them later so I can puree and freeze them – future me will be grateful when it’s time to make the pies! I went to the store this morning to get ingredients for Tommy and Kel’s lunch prep, which I’ll make later today. I also picked up a few things for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s. Meanwhile, Alexis swung by Starbucks for a holiday drink and came home with a gingerbread latte.
The weekend was pretty relaxing. On Saturday, we went to a friend’s house to do some trip planning. I tried to take notes, but I struggled a bit when information was coming at me verbally – I do much better when I can read things instead. I jotted down what I could, but I’m pretty sure Tommy took better notes, so I’ll check his later. On Sunday, Tommy and I watched football in the morning before taking Alexis to her hearing aid appointment at Costco. When we got home, we relaxed on our computers for a bit, then made dinner and headed out to Tommy’s hockey game.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned that journaling has been really helpful for me lately, and that it made me feel like closing out therapy might be okay since I have journaling as an outlet. But I want to expand on that, because journaling should never fully replace therapy. There are limits to what journaling can do.
Therapy helps you interpret your thoughts and work through them with someone trained to notice patterns and blind spots you might not catch on your own. When you journal, it’s easy to circle the same thoughts again and again, sometimes reinforcing the very beliefs you’re trying to move away from. Without outside guidance or feedback, you can end up stuck in those loops without even realizing it.
Journaling is a tool, and therapy is a form of support. Both have their place – especially when you’re untangling deeper patterns that really benefit from an outside perspective. Even though I feel ready to step away from therapy, and even though part of me still wonders if I’m being nudged out simply because I’m doing better, I’m comfortable with my decision. I have a strong support system, and that gives me confidence. And if I ever need to, I know I can always return to therapy.
I don’t get as many PTSD flashbacks as I used to, even though they still happen sometimes. But I’m learning how to handle them better. I also haven’t dissociated in a long time, which I’m really proud of. I use grounding techniques when I need to, and they help.
I’m still angry about the past, but I’ve learned that I can’t blame myself for what happened or for not getting out of the abuse sooner. What matters is that I did get out. I got myself, my girls, and my animals away from that situation. It took time, but I did it.
There are still moments when I feel scared or paranoid, but I have people in my life who remind me that I’m safe now. And I’m finally starting to believe that, little by little.
As much as I’d love to keep writing, I’ve got pumpkins to puree and lunches to prep. ✿
