I’ve realized that I struggle to convey my excitement. I genuinely feel it – it pulses within me – but I hesitate to reveal it. I don’t think I’ve ever truly displayed my enthusiasm, at least not outwardly. As a child, I recall being told I was too loud whenever I was excited. Gradually, I learned to suppress that aspect of myself. I made a habit of hiding my excitement. Now, I suspect I’ve silenced it so much I’ve forgotten how to express excitement at all. It’s strange to experience something so intense inside and not know how to share it.
This is what I’m planning to talk about with my therapist today. I want to understand why I struggle so much with expressing my feelings. For example, just now Lexi was telling me about a book she preordered that came out today and is already shipping to her. She’s so excited and can express it so easily. That feels strange to me – expressing excitement. It’s like I don’t know how to do that.
Alexis had her doctor’s appointment this morning, and all her lab work came back great – she’s doing just fine, which is such good news. I was proud of myself today, too. I was offered food and coffee from both the local coffee shop and McDonald’s, but I turned them down and chose to eat and have coffee at home instead. Usually, I give in when someone offers me free food or drinks, so this felt like a small but meaningful win.
When we got home, I made myself some coffee and had French bread with eggs and a tomato sprinkled with Everything Bagel seasoning – it was really good. I’ve been coding for the past few hours and plan to study cybersecurity after my therapy session.
I didn’t get a chance to study cybersecurity today. After my therapy session, I checked the mail, and then Alex and Alexis wanted to go to Walmart to pick up a few things for tomorrow’s dinner. So we went, and I just got back.
In therapy, we talked about my difficulty showing excitement. I shared how, when I was younger, my mom would sometimes go through manic phases and get me excited about something – like saying we were going somewhere or doing something fun – but then she’d fall into a depressive phase, and it would all fall through. Over time, I learned not to get my hopes up, to hold back my excitement, and just go with the flow.
My therapist mentioned that my PTSD, and possibly depression, could be contributing to this. She also suggested that my past relationship with my ex might play a role, too, though I don’t fully understand that part yet. I plan to talk more about it tomorrow in my journal. Right now, I’m having a hard time thinking clearly and recalling things.
