Blank screens have a way of staring back at you. Even when there’s plenty to say, that blinking cursor feels like it’s tapping its foot, waiting. It turns something simple, just writing, into something that feels oddly high-pressure.
Today has been pretty steady. Tommy was anxious about his doctor’s appointment this morning, and I could feel that tension in the air, but it turned out to be good news; he’s doing well. That lifted a weight off both of us. Everest has been her usual energetic self. She managed to escape once. I’ve been sticking to letting her out in short intervals, five minutes every hour, just enough for her to go to the bathroom without giving her too much opportunity to make a run for it.
Last Friday, Tommy had the day off, so we took Alexis to her passport appointment at the post office. It felt good to get that taken care of. Afterward, we came home and just relaxed for the rest of the day.
Saturday was a bigger outing. Tommy and I drove three hours to an air show. Kel wasn’t able to come because of work, which was a bit of a bummer. I struggled to stay awake on the drive there, but I was wide awake the whole way back. The air show itself was really fun. Watching the planes twist and dive through the sky was both impressive and a little nerve-wracking. I tried taking pictures, but it’s surprisingly hard to capture fast-moving planes on a phone. Tommy, of course, came prepared with his camera and got some great shots.
While we were at the show, my friend held her son’s memorial service and sent me a Zoom link. I really wanted to be there, even virtually, but my phone browser wouldn’t cooperate. I tried again later that evening when we got home, hoping there might be a recording, but I still couldn’t connect. It’s hard wanting to show up for someone and not being able to. Before heading home, we stopped at an Italian restaurant for dinner.
Sunday was much quieter. We spent most of it on the computer, just easing into the day until it was time for Tommy’s hockey game. It was a late one, and by the time we got home, we were both completely drained.
Lately, I’ve also been paying closer attention to my screen time. On average, I’m spending about 48 minutes on Instagram, 26 minutes on Facebook, and around 6 minutes on TikTok. I don’t know why I have such a hard time looking at that app. Then there’s about 40 minutes spread across mail, messaging, and other apps, bringing the total to around two hours a day, more if I’m working out and using my lifting app. It varies, of course, but I’m trying to be more mindful about it.
I’ve been thinking about how scrolling works, too. I heard someone describe it as a cycle of tiny dopamine hits followed by crashes, scroll, hit, crash, repeat. The interesting part is that the dopamine doesn’t really come from the content itself, but from the anticipation of finding something good. So you keep scrolling, chasing that feeling, even though it rarely delivers in a satisfying way. It makes sense why it’s so easy to lose time in it, especially in those quiet moments in the morning or at night.
Sandy has decided the chair is a shared space now, so we’re squeezed in together while I’m at the computer. It works… technically, but it’s definitely not the most comfortable arrangement.
I have therapy tomorrow, and I’ve been feeling a bit of dread about it. I’m planning to bring up some things from my past, and even thinking about saying them out loud feels heavy. Talking has never come easily to me, especially when it’s something painful. Even just getting a few words out would feel like progress.
On Wednesday, I have an eye appointment with my ophthalmologist. I missed scheduling one last year, so I’m overdue.
Alexis is cooking tonight. We’re having spaghetti. I walked her through the sauce, and it’s simmering now. In about an hour, we’ll start the water for the noodles and cook the sausage. We made enough sauce for two nights and picked up extra noodles.
Everest made another escape attempt, but I caught her this time, so she’s back inside. I’m thinking of making some tea and reading for a bit.
I did get some studying in today. I worked through quizzes on the CIA Triad and reviewed my notes, and I also went to the store with Alex to grab everything we needed for dinner.
