Today has been a quiet day. I’ve mostly sat at my computer looking for a job. No laundry to worry about, no running around taking care of things, no kids bugging me every few minutes. Just me, my computer, and the endless search for employment.

Kel and Chris are both home sick today, and Chris and Karissa have both been a little grouchy. Karissa seems to be doing a bit better now, though. She usually doesn’t stay grouchy for very long, so I imagine she’ll be back to herself before too long. They’ve mostly stayed in their room all day. Chris is watching Everest, so I don’t have to keep checking on her and Merlin quite as often as I usually do. It’s nice to have a little extra breathing room, especially when everyone is home and not feeling their best.

I even managed to get the laundry done and put away early this morning, so that’s one less thing hanging over my head. For once, there aren’t any pressing chores waiting for me. I suppose I should take advantage of the quiet and clean up my desk a little. It’s starting to get messy, and I know I’ll feel better if I straighten things up. Maybe I can work on that while I continue looking for jobs. At least then I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished something besides staring at job listings all day.

I’ve already applied to a few places, so hopefully something will come of that. I even looked into where Tommy works, but unfortunately, I don’t have enough experience for the positions they have available. It’s frustrating to see opportunities that interest me and realize I don’t quite meet the qualifications yet. Sometimes I can’t help thinking that I should have started working with computers right after I graduated from high school. If I had, maybe I would have a lot more experience by now. Maybe I would be further along in a career instead of trying to figure out how to get my foot in the door.

But life doesn’t always follow the path we imagine for ourselves.

I got married young, moved to Germany, came back to the States, and had my girls. Life was busy, and there were always responsibilities that needed my attention. Then Kevin passed away, and suddenly it felt like it was just me and my girls against the world. I had to keep going, even when things were difficult, because my girls depended on me. There wasn’t much room to stop and think about what I wanted to do with my own life. I had to focus on what needed to be done right then and there.

Later, I found myself in an abusive, controlling relationship. That was another chapter of my life when survival mattered more than building a career. I worked because I had to. I did what I needed to do to get by, to take care of my family, and to make it through each day. I wasn’t thinking about career advancement, professional development, or where I wanted to be five or ten years down the road. I was simply trying to survive and keep my life moving forward.

Looking back, I realize that I’ve spent a lot of my life doing exactly that: surviving, adapting, and carrying on no matter what life threw at me. I didn’t always have the luxury of planning for the future because I was too busy dealing with the present. And while I sometimes wish I had made different choices or started down a different path years ago, I also know that I can’t change the past. I can only work with what I have now.

Maybe I’m starting a little later than I would have liked, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late for me. I still have things I want to learn, goals I want to accomplish, and a future I want to build for myself. I may not have years of professional computer experience, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing to offer. I’ve learned how to adapt, how to work hard, how to handle difficult situations, and how to keep going when things don’t turn out the way I hoped. Those things count for something, too.

I believe I’m going to find a job. It might not be the perfect job right away, and it might not be in the field I ultimately want to work in. Maybe I’ll end up at Walmart or Sam’s Club for a while. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. A job is a job, and there is dignity in honest work. If that’s where I need to start, then that’s where I’ll start. I can keep learning, keep gaining experience, and keep looking for something better as I go.

So, even if today feels a little dull, it hasn’t been a wasted day. I’ve spent time looking for work, submitted applications, and thought about what I want my future to look like. Maybe I’ll straighten up my desk, keep searching, and see what else I can find. Every application is another possibility, even if it doesn’t lead anywhere.

I just feel so unmotivated today. Even the smallest tasks seem difficult to start, and things that would normally take only a little effort feel like they require so much more energy than I have. What makes it frustrating is that I still have the desire and excitement to do certain things. For example, the thought of cleaning and organizing my desk genuinely inspires me. I can picture how nice it would feel to have everything neat, organized, and in its proper place.

But when it comes to actually getting started, that motivation just isn’t there. It’s almost as if my mind is ready and interested, but I can’t get myself to take that first step. I want to do something productive, and I know I would probably feel good about myself once I finished, but finding the energy to begin feels like the hardest part.

Of course, part of that not-wanting-to-start-cleaning is that I’m still busy looking for a job. And that takes precedence over my wanting to clean my desk.

It’s a strange feeling to have the desire to do something without having the drive to follow through. I don’t necessarily lack ideas or interest; I seem to be lacking the momentum to turn those ideas into action. Even something as simple as organizing my desk, which I know could bring me a sense of accomplishment and make my space feel better, feels like more effort than I can manage right now.

It isn’t that I don’t care. I’m just struggling with getting started. And the fact that I shouldn’t be doing anything else besides looking for a job at the moment. My desk can wait.

I did just walk over to the bedroom and get my Alice in Wonderland lanyard and placed my Disney pins onto it. Now, where do I put this lanyard to show off my pins? That is the question. I have three Disney pins. That’s a good start to a collection. Disney pins seem to be the trend now. I started with collecting Disney snow globes. I stopped because I have no where to put these snow globes. I still have them. Pins seem to be a lot easier to collect.

I’m going to start on dinner. We are having shepherd’s pie tonight.