I’ve spent a few days wondering what kind of post I want to make. I can’t seem to decide if I’m scared or angry or happy. See, I feel nothing about what happened a few days ago. I mean, I don’t give a rat’s ass about it. At first, I was scared. When I heard I wanted to shut down all my social media accounts. I did set those that weren’t on private, to private. I don’t know when I will want to open them too, well, not private. I was going to basically wipe myself from the internet. After a while I was angry. I hate living like this. Living in a world where I had to watch every move I make and be scared that I’m in danger. The more I was hearing the more I started not to care anymore. Part of me is still scared but I’m going to believe those that say I have nothing to worry about. Surely they are right and I don’t have to worry anymore.
See, it’s been 7 years since I left California. And I left California under unpleasant circumstances. It wasn’t planned. Well, there was a plan but I wasn’t really involved in the planning cause I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My ex was sent to prison and this was my chance to leave. I had to pack up myself, my girls, and my animals and leave. I sold my house in less than a month. (I don’t actually recommend selling that quickly) But I didn’t have a choice. I left half of my house behind. It cost 5k in trash pickup to clean out that house.. which I paid through what I made in the sale of the house. I didn’t care. I had to take myself and my girls out of there. It was too dangerous to be around there.
Seven years of therapy to get my life and my brain back on track. Everyone saying that after seven years I should try to become more open, no need to hide. It’s been seven years, he wouldn’t try to look for me now. Right? Wrong. The first friend said that she has been getting questions about me from him. The second friend messages me this whole ‘going ons’ about what is going on over there in California. I swear my second friend probably knows almost everyone in L.A. and L.A. County. Why the heck is this still going on? Why is this still a thing?
When this was all still new… seven years ago… I did feel guilty about how I left. I hate making people mad or hurting their feelings. How stupid was I? How naive was I? The thing is, I already dealt with narcissistic people. I thought this should make me, I don’t know, well seasoned in knowing and dealing with those that are narcissistic. But how he is now. All the lies about me that I’m hearing now. That is the real him.
I had a realization yesterday that I’m happy. That I’m happy that I don’t have to deal with him anymore. That it’s over. He can say all the crap that he wants. I don’t care anymore. I’m not sorry that I don’t conform to his standards of feminine perfection. I’m quite happy with the way I am. I’m happy to be away from all that drama.
Maybe one day I will take all my social media off of the privacy setting…