Therapy was complex today, and I didn’t think it would be. Ok, so going over traumas will be challenging, but from birth to 6 years old…not much happened. I only remember being left alone when I was either 5 or 6. I don’t think my mom thought twice about leaving me home alone. My mom went to a HOA meeting and left me by my lonesome. I knew the rules of staying home alone. Don’t answer the door or the phone, and stay out of the kitchen. While I look back at it, I probably shouldn’t have been left alone at a young age. I can’t imagine leaving my girls alone when they were that age.
I remember she didn’t come home for a while, and I started worrying. I remember standing by the window, waiting for her to come home. When she did, I remember that she didn’t see a big deal about being late and laughing about me being worried. I’m still trying to connect how she treated me to how I act now. So that is what we discussed today: how I felt about this. Funnily enough, I never thought much of my memory until now. Now that I think about it, it’s pretty screwed up for her to treat me that way at such a young age. I look back at all the times I have been home alone and feel like I was taking care of myself. My dad would be overseas in the Navy, so I don’t think he knew I was home alone. I answered the phone once, and it was my dad. I think I was 8. The next day, my mom took me to the neighbor’s house to watch me while she was out. By then, I’d rather be home alone. The neighbor moved by that summer, so I was back to be home alone again. My mom would be so emotionally and verbally manipulative that I enjoyed being by myself.
Today was hard going back to the past, and next week, we will talk about the next age group. I feel like I’m about to dissociate. I’m going to keep myself grounded and make dinner.