It’s almost time for our trip, and it definitely feels like we’re in the stage where all the last-minute preparations are piling up. Even though we’ve been planning for a while, it seems like there’s always one more thing to buy or one more task to check off the list.

Yesterday was dedicated almost entirely to shopping with the girls. I think we had a really successful trip. They both found new shoes, bathing suits, undergarments, and a few travel-sized toiletries they’ll need for vacation. We managed to get everything on our list, but I definitely underestimated how long it would take. Shopping ended up taking practically the entire day, and by the time we were finished, we were all pretty tired.

While we were out, we also picked up my birthday cake. Later that evening, we celebrated my birthday at home. Tommy spent most of the day cooking, making homemade al pastor for tacos. He even grilled the pineapple separately so I could enjoy it. I can’t eat raw pineapple because it bothers my mouth, but cooked pineapple doesn’t cause the same problem. The tacos turned out delicious, and it was a really nice way to celebrate.

I genuinely enjoyed spending the day shopping with the girls. It was fun getting everything together for the trip and just spending time with them. Once we got home, we ate dinner, and then I dyed Kel’s hair. I think it turned out pretty well. I was a little nervous because her hair is incredibly thick, and it’s much harder to make sure every section gets evenly covered. My own hair is baby-fine, so coloring it myself is much quicker and easier. Thankfully, her hair came out nicely in the end.

Later that evening, Tommy and I headed to his hockey game. It was the first game of his season, which made it feel a little more exciting. The game was a lot of fun to watch.

This morning, after Tommy and Kel left for the day, I decided to catch up on some sleep. Once I woke up, I got ready, started a load of laundry, and spent a little time cleaning out the bathroom drawer where I keep all of my skincare products. It had started to become cluttered, and organizing it made me feel better about the drawer. After that, I made myself a cup of coffee, settled in at my computer, and now I’m ready to spend the rest of the morning studying. With the trip getting so close, it’s going to be hard to focus. I feel like I should get my suitcase out and see if I have my packing cubes. Oh, Tommy wanted me to look for the travel laundry bags. I should do that soon. Maybe during lunchtime.

Tommy just reminded me that I’ve been here for 12 years. Twelve years. When I hear that number, it seems like such a long time, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way. In many ways, it feels like it all happened yesterday. I can still remember the day I left California as if it were frozen in time.

I remember feeling like I had to get away from that house, away from that life, as quickly and as far as possible. It wasn’t about starting over because I wanted a fresh adventure. It was about survival. I genuinely felt like I was in danger, and all I could think about was getting the kids, the animals, and myself somewhere safe. Looking back now, I realize just how much fear was driving every decision I made. Tommy, Kel, and I packed a moving truck, both my cars, and headed out.

I left my house pretty much “as is.” I’ve never felt guilty about that. Under the circumstances, it was the best I could do. I sold it as-is, paid to have the leftover furniture removed, and even paid to have new carpet installed before the sale. I did what I could to leave things in decent shape before closing that chapter.

What still frustrates me is how much money I poured into that house, only for it to end up being worth so much less than I had hoped. A lot of that came down to the location. It simply wasn’t in a desirable area, and there was nothing I could do to change that. It’s disappointing to think about all the repairs, improvements, and money that seemed to disappear into a house that never really became a good investment.

The truth is, I never wanted to buy that house in the first place. I had been perfectly content staying in my townhouse. But my ex insisted that we had to move because the police knew where he was living at the townhouse. He convinced me that buying a house was the only option and that it was what we had to do. At the time, I went along with it.

One thing I am grateful for is that the house was only in my name. When it came time to sell it, I didn’t have to fight anyone or wait for someone else’s permission. That made leaving much easier than it otherwise could have been.

I also owed property taxes when I sold the house. I knew almost nothing about property taxes when I bought it. During the purchase, my ex did nearly all the talking with the realtor. I wasn’t really included in many of those conversations, and I didn’t fully understand everything that came with homeownership. Looking back, I wish I had asked more questions and educated myself instead of assuming everything was being handled correctly. That was one of the lessons I had to learn the hard way.

The drive away from California was another experience I’ll never forget. Before that trip, the longest drive I had ever made was just a few hours to Las Vegas, and back then, I thought that was a long drive. This journey was on an entirely different level.

The scenery was beautiful in places, even if there were long stretches where there wasn’t much to look at besides the highway and open land. I remember feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The last hour of the drive felt like it lasted forever. By then, I wasn’t interested in the scenery anymore. I just wanted to reach my destination. I wanted to stop driving, unpack the car, and finally take a deep breath.

When I finally arrived, I didn’t know exactly what the future would look like. I only knew that I had made it.

Now, twelve years later, I can honestly say I feel safe where I am. That feeling of safety is something I never take for granted because I remember what it felt like to live without it.

The past still finds its way into the present sometimes. I still experience flashbacks, anxiety, and moments where fear sneaks in unexpectedly. Trauma doesn’t simply disappear because time passes. Healing isn’t a straight line, and there are days when old memories still have a way of catching me off guard.

But I’m working through it. When fear creeps in, I have to pause and tell myself something that twelve years ago I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to say. That I’m safe. It still does feel weird, this safe feeling. I don’t have to watch my every move or watch what I say. Having privacy feels weird. Waking up by myself or just having the house to myself feels weird. Having friends and just being able to talk to them feels weird. It is weird not being under such a spotlight and not having to be so hypervigilant all the time. I’ve reached a point where my hypervigilance has diminished, even when it would actually be helpful. I’m trying to balance that so I’m neither overly alert nor too relaxed.

Almost time for our trip. I should get out my suitcase and see if the laundry bag is in there. Yes, that was a weird segue. But I’m excited to go on our trip soon. I even went to the airline app and redid my password because I couldn’t get into the app. It’s all good now, and I see the flight information.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the weekend.

On Friday, Tommy and I got out of the house early because he had a busy morning. He had therapy at 9:00 a.m. and an eye appointment at Kel’s work at 10:00. We arrived a little early, so while Tommy was in therapy, I went to the coffee shop next door. It was a nice way to spend the hour; I settled in with my book, and enjoyed some quiet reading time.

After therapy, we walked over to Kel’s work for Tommy’s eye appointment. Everything looked good, and he has healthy eyes, which was nice to hear. Once that was finished, we headed home for lunch before going to Tommy’s haircut appointment later in the afternoon. After his haircut, we stopped by the grocery store to pick up food for dinners during the week. I think we also picked up his medication while we were out.

On Saturday, Tommy, Kel, and I drove into the city for a few more errands. Our first stop was REI because I needed a new pair of shoes. I usually wear a size 5, but this time the 5½ fit much better. It’s funny how shoe sizing can vary from one brand or style to another.

Next, we made a quick stop at Costco to pick up a few things. Tommy was not thrilled about going to Costco on a weekend since it tends to be crowded, and he definitely let us know how he felt about it. Fortunately, we got what we needed without spending too much time there.

The highlight of the day was going to the movie theater to see My Neighbor Totoro. I had heard so many good things about the film over the years but had never actually watched it before. Seeing it on the big screen made it an even more special experience.

I’ll put my thoughts behind a spoiler tag. Although this movie came out in 1988. Disney dubbed it in 2005. Totoro even makes an appearance in Toy Story 3.

I had to look up the time when My Neighbor Totoro took place. I knew it wasn’t in the present day, but I wasn’t sure of the year. Tommy told me when the movie came out and that Disney dubbed it in 2005. I like the movie. I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen, but had to remind myself that this is a slice-of-life movie. Japan’s slice-of-life anime genre captures the quiet, everyday moments of life. These shows focus on characters going to school, cooking, traveling, or pursuing hobbies, offering a cozy and relaxing escape. I’ve always liked slice-of-life anime.

I’m going to make myself some tea and read. I need to finish The High King this week so I can return it to the library. Oh, and fill out my planner! I need to do that too.