This job-hunting process is honestly so frustrating. One of the hardest parts for me right now is feeling like my lack of experience is working against me. I’ve applied to several jobs, and now I’m just hoping that my résumé makes a good enough impression to get my foot in the door.

I know I have skills, a strong work ethic, and the ability to learn quickly, but it’s hard not to get discouraged when so many positions seem to want someone with years of experience. I’m trying to remind myself that everyone has to start somewhere, and hopefully the right employer will see the potential I can bring to the position rather than focusing only on what experience I don’t have yet.

That’s been pretty much my whole day. It’s pouring outside. I do love this weather, though I feel sorry for Merlin and Everest, who love to be outside. I’m thinking of making myself some hot tea. Maybe the cinnamon apple spice.

I feel lost right now, and I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly why. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with my medication, but honestly, I don’t think that’s the reason. It feels like something deeper than that.

I have this nagging feeling that I’m supposed to be doing something right now, that there’s something I should be working toward, something I should be accomplishing, or some direction I should be moving in. The hardest part is that I don’t know what that “something” is.

I feel like I’m standing still while everything around me keeps moving. I know I want to feel productive and purposeful, but I don’t know what that looks like for me right now. I keep thinking that I should have some kind of plan or clearer sense of where I’m going, and not having that direction leaves me feeling frustrated, restless, and a little overwhelmed.

Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to have everything figured out. Maybe I’m expecting myself to know what the next chapter is supposed to look like before I’ve even had a chance to figure out what I want. But right now, I just wish I had some direction. I wish I could see the next step, even if I couldn’t see the whole path.

And I keep thinking that someone is standing just beyond the doorway, peering around the frame and staring at me. Every so often, I look up, almost expecting to catch someone there. But, of course, there’s no one.

Because why would there be?

Karissa and Chris are both home, but if either of them wanted to talk to me, they wouldn’t stand silently in the doorway. They’d just walk into the office and say something. There would be a voice, footsteps, some ordinary indication that someone was there. There wouldn’t be this strange feeling of being watched from just outside my line of sight.

Still, I keep looking.

I know I need to start dinner soon. That thought is reassuring, strangely. I’m not completely lost in whatever this feeling is. I still know what comes next. Dinner. Maybe some tea.

I think I’m going to shut the office door if this feeling that someone is watching me doesn’t go away. Maybe having the door closed will help. Maybe I’ll feel less exposed, less like I need to keep glancing toward the doorway every few minutes.

For now, I’m going to read.

Then I’ll make dinner.

Maybe I’ll make myself a cup of tea, too.

Nothing complicated. Just enough to keep moving forward and remind myself that I know what I’m doing next.