Having an appointment in the middle of the day can be frustrating, even when it’s technically still in the morning. When an appointment is scheduled for late morning, it feels like it’s taking up a much bigger part of the day than the actual appointment itself. Instead of being able to settle into a task, focus on something productive, or enjoy my morning, I find myself waiting for the appointment to arrive.

I try to keep myself busy and get other things done, but I can’t seem to fully concentrate because I’m constantly aware of the time. I keep checking the clock, calculating how much time I have left, and wondering whether I have enough time to start or finish something before I need to get ready for the appointment. Even when I have plenty of time, I feel like I’m on standby, waiting for the appointment.

I do enjoy the therapy appointments being via video calls. It makes it much easier than getting out of the house. Of course, it just reinforces my hermit-like tendencies.

It’s almost as if the appointment puts my entire morning on pause. I don’t feel completely free to enjoy my time or get into a productive rhythm because part of my attention is always focused on what’s coming next. By the time the appointment finally arrives and is over, I feel like I’ve lost a good portion of my day, even though the appointment itself may have only taken an hour.

That’s what bothers me most: it’s not necessarily the appointment, but the waiting beforehand and the feeling that I can’t fully use my time until it’s over.

So, what do I do? I decided to write here. It’s easier for me this way. I can look at the time, put my thoughts into words, and write down exactly what I’m feeling in the moment. I don’t have to worry about finding the right words or trying to explain myself out loud. I can just let my thoughts come out as they are.

I actually had to go back and read an old journal entry because I couldn’t remember one of the things I had wanted to bring up in therapy. That made me realize that writing things down is important for me. Sometimes I have thoughts or feelings that seem significant at the time, but when it comes time to talk about them, they’re suddenly difficult to remember or explain.

One of the things I’d really like to explore in therapy is my tendency to feel like I don’t have my own thoughts or opinions, especially when I know someone else might think differently. It’s almost as if I automatically start questioning what I think or feel when there’s a possibility that someone won’t agree with me. I sometimes find myself adjusting my thoughts to match someone else’s, or second-guessing myself before I’ve even had a chance to figure out what I actually believe.

I’d like to understand why I do that. Am I afraid of disagreement? Am I worried about disappointing people, being judged, or making someone uncomfortable? Do I have trouble trusting my own judgment? I want to get better at recognizing my own thoughts and feelings without immediately comparing them to everyone else’s. I want to be comfortable having a different opinion and not feel like I need someone else’s approval to validate what I think.

Another thing I really want to talk about is how difficult it is for me to communicate verbally. I can write all day long. I can put my thoughts, feelings, and experiences into words when I’m writing. But when I have to actually talk to someone, it’s a completely different story. I freeze. My mind goes blank, and suddenly I can’t seem to find the words.

This happens even with people I’m comfortable with, including friends and family. It’s not necessarily that I don’t know what I want to say. Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on in my head, but the moment I try to communicate it out loud, everything disappears. I struggle to organize my thoughts, explain what I’m feeling, or even carry on a conversation the way I’d like to.

It’s frustrating because I know I can express myself. Writing proves that I can. But there’s something about having to respond in real time, with another person waiting for me to speak, that makes it difficult. I’d like to understand why that happens and how I can become more comfortable expressing myself verbally. I don’t want to feel like I have to rehearse every conversation in my head or worry so much about saying the wrong thing. There is just such a contrast between how easily I can express myself in writing and how difficult it becomes when speaking to another person.

And, of course, there’s the subject of past trauma. That’s something I’d like to work through, even though I can’t say I’m particularly looking forward to talking about it. Honestly, I don’t really like revisiting those experiences or having to bring those feelings back to the surface. It’s uncomfortable, and sometimes I’d rather just leave certain things where they are.

But I also understand that avoiding those experiences doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve worked through them. I know that some of those things are worth exploring in therapy, even if they’re difficult to talk about. I’d like to understand how my past experiences may have affected the way I think, feel, communicate, and interact with other people today.

I don’t expect to figure everything out in one session. I just want to start making sense of some of these patterns. I want to understand myself better, feel more confident in my own thoughts and opinions, and become more comfortable expressing myself.

I had to take a quick break to bring the heater into the office. It was sitting out in the hallway, out of the way, so I figured I might as well bring it in here. It’s definitely getting colder! Chris said he’s going to take the AC unit out of the window today, which should help keep things a little warmer, too. For now, I’m all settled in, wrapped up in my blanket with a hot cup of coffee in front of the heater. It feels nice.

I’m going to see if I can do a little job hunting before my appointment. Not that I think I will have much luck. I have an hour and a half before therapy. I should be able to do a little job hunting.

Ok, I have a half hour left before therapy. My laptop is charged and ready to go. I have my hearing aids on, and I told Karissa about my therapy appointment so she does not come into the office during the appointment. So everything is good. Now I wait. I have to check in soon. I usually check in ten minutes before the appointment and enter the “room” five minutes before.

During my therapy session, we discussed some of the trauma I have experienced throughout my life. We started by identifying my age at the time each traumatic event happened. The goal is to begin looking at these experiences and understanding how they may have affected me at different stages of my life. My therapist mentioned that once we work through the larger or more significant traumas, we will eventually get into the smaller traumas as well.

We also discussed several coping skills that she wants me to learn and practice. One of them is a grounding technique that I am already familiar with: identifying five things I can see, four things I can feel, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. This technique helps bring my attention back to the present moment when I feel overwhelmed or caught up in difficult thoughts or emotions.

The second skill is called STOP:

* S – Stop: Pause whatever I am doing instead of immediately reacting.
* T – Take a step back: Give myself some space from the situation and take a breath.
* O – Observe: Pay attention to what I am thinking, feeling, and experiencing without immediately judging it.
* P – Proceed mindfully: Think about the situation and choose how to respond rather than reacting automatically.

We then spent time discussing emotions and their opposites. One of the things my therapist wants to help me learn is how to recognize when I am experiencing a negative or overwhelming emotion and intentionally work toward its opposite emotion. The idea is to retrain my brain so that, instead of automatically getting caught up in a negative emotional response, I can learn to recognize what I am feeling and practice responding in a healthier, more positive way.

My assignment is to come up with eight negative emotions and identify the opposite positive emotion for each one. I have two weeks to do this assignment. And yes, I already finished it. I looked up the Wheel of Feeling. It is this wheel that states the 8 primary emotions, then breaks them down into multiple emotions that can be grouped into one primary emotion. It helps to better name what emotion you are feeling.

I also mentioned to my therapist that I’d like to talk about my inability to tell a person no or yes. This is complicated. When a person asks me a yes or no question, I instantly go into explaining mode. Explain a situation or something I did or didn’t do. I can’t simply say yes or no easily. It’s like I feel the need to explain myself all the time. Sometimes, on an occasion, I do this because I simply did not hear the first word in the question, so it comes to me as a statement. But even if I hear the question, I will go into explaining myself rather than just answering the question.

I guess for Thanksgiving, we are thinking about going to this mountain retreat for dinner. The retreat is about an hour away from here. It sounds like a good idea. No cooking and no cleanup. But I told Tommy and Kel that I still want to bake some pies and make lumpia. I will most likely do that before Thanksgiving, and we can have it Friday.

Since I was wearing sweats today, I put on some jeans so when Tommy and Kel come home, we can go vote. Karissa is getting dressed too, so she can come vote also.