I feel better today, mentally. My head feels like it’s in a better space, and things don’t feel quite as overwhelming as they did before. I don’t feel as paranoid or as unhinged today. I feel a little more grounded, a little more connected to myself.

I’m trying to be mindful. I’m trying to slow down and pay attention to what I’m thinking and feeling instead of immediately believing every thought that crosses my mind. That sounds simple enough, but sometimes it’s incredibly difficult.

How do you stay mindful when your own mind feels like the enemy?

How do you separate what is actually happening from what your fear, anxiety, or imagination is telling you is happening? How do you remind yourself that a thought is just a thought, that it doesn’t automatically make it true?

I think mindfulness, for me, has to start with giving myself a little space. Not judging every thought. Not fighting every feeling. Just noticing them. Saying, This is what I’m feeling right now. This is what my mind is telling me right now. I don’t necessarily have to act on it. Some days that feels almost impossible. Other days, like today, I can catch myself before I get carried away.

So, I meditated today, just like Tommy suggested. I have to admit, I do feel better after meditating. My mind seems clearer, and I feel calmer and more settled than I did before. It’s almost like meditation gives my brain a chance to slow down and catch its breath.

My medication, by default, is meant to ramp me up… to make me more alert, awake, focused, and aware of what’s going on around me. That’s obviously helpful in a lot of ways, but there is a downside to it. Sometimes I can feel almost like I’m high or wired. Not necessarily to an extreme degree, but enough that I notice it. It can feel like my brain is running at a higher speed than the rest of me, and sometimes that can be uncomfortable or overwhelming.

Then there’s my other medication, Guanfacine, which I take later in the afternoon. Its purpose is basically the opposite: it helps calm me down and takes some of the edge off. What’s kind of crazy when I think about it is that I’m taking Ritalin in the morning, and then later in the afternoon I take another dose of Ritalin along with Guanfacine. So, in a way, I’m taking one medication to help increase my alertness and focus while taking another to help balance things out and keep me from becoming too wound up.

I do think the combination is making a difference. I don’t feel nearly as irritated as I did when I was taking just Ritalin. Before, I felt like the Ritalin could sometimes leave me feeling more on edge or easily irritated. Since adding the Guanfacine, I seem to have more of a balance. I still get the benefits of the Ritalin, but I don’t feel quite as agitated or overstimulated.

And today, adding meditation into the mix seemed to help even more. I feel calmer, my thoughts seem a little more organized, and I don’t feel quite as mentally scattered. I’ve noticed that Ritalin helps me feel less scattered during conversations. My thoughts seem a little more organized, and I feel more present and aware of what is being said. It’s easier for me to follow the conversation without feeling like my attention is being pulled in several different directions at once.

At the same time, it doesn’t seem to change my fundamental need for quiet or solitude. I still genuinely enjoy being alone and having a quiet environment, and I still feel the need to step away from noise, stimulation, or extended social interaction. I still feel like a quiet person.

The difference is that, when I take Ritalin, I can still feel quiet internally, but I feel more aware within that quiet. It’s almost like my mind is less scattered without necessarily becoming more socially stimulated. I don’t suddenly feel like I need more conversation or interaction; instead, I feel more capable of being present when I am having a conversation.

I notice when I’m having a conversation, as rare as that is, I can focus more on the person instead of my mind wandering off. And I can remember conversations a little bit more. Instead of my normal “forgetting as soon as the conversation is over”.

I applied to some more jobs. I’m hoping this works out. I have to learn to bring my phone with me everywhere. I have a tendency to just leave it on my desk during the day.

Merlin and Everest aren’t happy that it has been raining all day. They want to go outside and play, but it’s just too wet outside.

Ok, I just started dinner. Air fryer chicken. I’m going to get going and read for a bit.