I had about four hours of sleep last night. Thanks to Ritalin, I’m not really feeling the lack of sleep right now, which is probably a little deceptive because I know I’ll eventually have to pay for it. Looking back, I probably should have gone back to sleep when Tommy left for work. I hadn’t really thought about it at the time. Once he left, I was already awake, and then Kel left for the day a little while after him. After that, I took a shower and got ready for the day, so I was officially up and moving before I really had a chance to think about how little sleep I had gotten.

I usually try to catch up on sleep over the weekends. During the week, I wake up at 5:00 a.m. every weekday, so I’m definitely not going to make myself wake up at 5:00 on the weekends too. I want to give myself a little extra sleep when I can. I’ve been trying to wake up around 7:00 on weekends because I think that’s a pretty good time to start the day, but I usually end up waking up somewhere between 7:30 and 8:00 anyway. I’m going to keep trying for 7:00, though. I’ve heard that keeping roughly the same wake-up time every day, including weekends, can be good for your sleep schedule. I just think there has to be a little room for sleeping in when you need it.

Normally, I get to bed somewhere between 10:30 and 11:30 at night. Last night was different because we didn’t finish our workout until around 11:30. By the time we were done and I got everything settled, it was around midnight before I actually went to bed. So, yeah… four hours of sleep makes sense when I look at the clock now. I just wish I had realized it before getting up for the day.

It’s rainy outside today, and it has been raining all day. I actually love this kind of weather. There’s something really peaceful about a rainy day, especially when you don’t have anywhere you need to be. Everything feels a little quieter and slower.

The dogs and cats, on the other hand, are not nearly as impressed with the weather as I am. The dogs are sleeping in the house because of the rain. They absolutely love the sun, and I swear they take it personally when the sun disappears. They look at us like we’re somehow responsible for it. It’s almost as if they’re saying, “Excuse me, but where is the sun? We were promised sunshine.” So, they’ve been impatiently waiting for the sun to return.

If I could give them the sun, I would. I really would. Unfortunately, that’s one thing I haven’t figured out how to do yet. So for now, they just have to settle for being warm and dry inside while they wait for the sun to come back.

I also started taking the Guanfacine last night. Of course, I don’t notice anything yet. I wasn’t expecting to, since I just started it. It’s supposed to help with attention and emotional regulation, so I’m curious to see how it affects me over time.

I’m supposed to take it in the afternoon along with my afternoon Ritalin dose. It feels a little strange taking medication in the morning and then again in the afternoon instead of taking something in the morning and then another dose at night. I’m still getting used to the timing.

The afternoon Ritalin is actually the harder part for me to remember. Sometimes I take my second dose several hours after noon simply because I forget that I’m supposed to take it at noon. If I’m busy or focused on something, it’s especially easy for it to completely slip my mind. It’s one of those things where I can know exactly what I’m supposed to do and still somehow forget to do it.

On the weekends, I’ve started putting my second dose of Ritalin in my pocket because it helps me remember to take it around noon. I know… I really need to find something better to carry my medication in. My pill box is broken, and the “PM” section doesn’t stay closed anymore, so I’ve been leaving my afternoon pills in their bottle instead. If I know I’m going to be out of the house on the weekend, I’ll take the second dose out and put it in my pocket so I have it with me when it’s time to take it.

It’s not exactly the most sophisticated system, but at least it helps me remember. I should probably get a new pill organizer or some kind of small medication case. That would make a lot more sense than carrying pills around in my pocket.

This morning, I also listened to Professor Messer’s livestream on Security+. It was actually pretty interesting. He asks questions that are similar to the kinds of questions that can show up on the exam, and sometimes I actually get the answer right. Those moments feel really good because they remind me that I’m actually learning this stuff.

There are still plenty of questions where I hear the answer and think, “Oh, I should have known that,” but getting some of them right without having to look anything up is encouraging. I’ve spent a lot of time studying for Security+, so it’s nice to have those little moments where I can see that the information is starting to stick.

I got a call from the girls’ financial services company today. They wanted to know if my daughter wanted to take her settlement now or leave it where it is until she turns 30.

Of course, the amount will be different by the time she’s 30, so to me, it’s a no-brainer to leave the settlement where it is and let it continue according to the plan that’s already in place. I honestly don’t understand why they keep asking about taking the settlement out early. If there’s already a financial plan set up for it, why change it?

It also made me think about my own situation. She definitely won’t make the mistake I made and take the entire settlement out at once. I still can’t believe I let my ex talk me into doing that. Looking back, I wish I had handled things very differently. I would have never bought that house if I had known then what I know now. My ex only wanted that house because the police were looking for him and they knew he was at my old place. It was stupid to buy that house. Not only was I considered to be hiding him, which I hadn’t thought about till much later. I never wanted to move. I liked my townhouse. And I put so much time, money, energy, and effort into the new house, only to get back about 25% of what I had invested when I finally sold it. It was heartbreaking to realize how little of all that work actually translated into value.

I should have recognized sooner that the house was not a good investment for me. The location simply wasn’t that great, and no matter how much work I put into the property, its value never really increased because of where it was located. I kept putting more and more into the house, hoping that eventually all of that effort would pay off. Instead, I ended up pouring resources into something that was never going to give me the return I expected.

And unfortunately, that wasn’t the only way I lost. A large portion of the settlement money ended up going to my ex and was spent on things like drugs, alcohol, speakers, clothes, and whatever else he wanted. While he was living it up and spending the money, I was stuck in a situation where I was too scared to leave. I knew deep down that things weren’t right, but fear kept me from making the changes I needed to make.

That is probably the hardest part for me to look back on… not just the money I lost, but the time, opportunities, and sense of security I gave up while I was afraid to get out.

But I remind myself that I can’t change what happened. I can only learn from it.

Today, I am out of that situation. And more than anything, I am grateful for that. I have my freedom back. I have the opportunity to make my own decisions and build my life around what is truly important to me. The house, the money, and everything else I lost can never be recovered completely, but I gained something that is far more important: the ability to move forward.

I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had trusted myself sooner and recognized that I deserved better. But I also know that I survived that chapter of my life, learned from it, and came out the other side.

And for that, I am grateful.

Anyway, I told them that they have a financial advisor assigned to the account and that I would talk to him about it later. That seemed to satisfy them, and thankfully I was able to get off the phone.

I just don’t understand the push to take the settlement out now. The money is already set up with a plan for the future. Why not just leave it alone and let the plan do what it’s supposed to do? Sometimes I feel like the simplest thing is to not mess with something that’s already working.

And I don’t normally answer the phone unless I know who is calling. So I should not have answered the phone. They seem nice enough; I just don’t appreciate how they are working. Ugh, that call got me worked up.

I had some matcha tea, which was a small but pleasant part of my day. Now I’m at the end of my journal entry, and, as usual, I’ve reached that strange point where I don’t really have much left to say. I never know how to close out an entry without making it sound awkward or forced. There’s something oddly difficult about trying to create a satisfying ending to a collection of random thoughts that were never really meant to have a beginning, middle, or end.

Maybe I put too much pressure on the ending. A journal entry doesn’t necessarily need some profound final thought or perfectly worded conclusion. Sometimes I’ve simply said what I needed to say, and that should be enough. Still, I always find myself searching for one last sentence that will make the whole thing feel complete.

Of course, because I am an awkward person, it’s probably only natural that I would also be awkward at ending my own journal entries. I suppose something is fitting about that. Maybe an awkward ending is actually a perfectly appropriate ending for me.

So, I had my matcha. I wrote down some thoughts. I probably overthought how to finish writing down those thoughts. And now I’m going to stop before I somehow make the ending even more awkward than it already is.

I think that’s enough for today.